Friends

"From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax and be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth."
— Thich Nhat Hanh 


I find respite and peace in spending time with my friends. Having fun together is like therapy; my mind forgets about all the discouraging thoughts and I am just happy.  I enjoy these times together- meals, outings, casual relaxing moments just talking or watching a movie. I love those moments of pure joy without any thought of worries, when interaction itself is enough and answers aren't necessary. How wonderful to feel accepted; to reminisce about lovely times in the past, and make exciting plans for the future. Today I am grateful for my wonderful friends who bring happiness and light to my life. 

Purposeful Cheer

I could use some cheering up; some lightheartedness and a pleasant day where I can go 24 hours without pondering the meaning of life, worrying about money/relationships/family, or stressing about the the state of the world and our country. One night without dreaming about terrorism, sinking boats, or tsunamis. A day when I don't feel guilty or angry or listless. My brain has gotten out of whack; I need to renew my mind or change my habits or snap out of it. Or find a purpose. Really, I think that's what it all comes down to- Purpose. I feel unguided and frustrated, and I need something to live towards (or for). Why is purpose so difficult to find? Maybe I'm looking too hard; maybe purpose is something that finds you when you quit looking for it. Hopefully, someday, I'll find out.

Unwillingly (a bad day)

This post was originally written yesterday, Feb. 14th 2010. Fair warning: it's rather depressing, as I was having a bad day. But it would be dishonest to only post on good days, so here are the very blunt musings of me in a dark moment.

2-14-11 Unwillingly

Today I don’t want to. I didn’t want to get up, and so I laid there for two hours before dragging myself, unwillingly, out of bed.  I unwillingly made breakfast and unwillingly shoved it down my throat, and now I’m unwillingly fulfilling my obligations to the day. The job search websites seem to be mocking me; it seems a cruel dependency, the way I return to them day after day even though all I get back are junk mail and rejection letters. It’s psychologically unhealthy to keep going back to something that only hurts you , and yet here I am, unwillingly, skimming the postings once again, sure to find some lovely company who would gladly and mercilessly dash my hopes yet again. Every time I look at the calendar or the budget, it’s a brutal reminder that I’m failing.

I’ll unwillingly SIT here all day long, lonely and bored, wishing anyone cared and wishing I was good for something.  I’ll unwillingly do the laundry and the dishes and water the grass and take out the trash and exercise, and  go to dinner tonight pretending ironically that today carries some magical ‘extra romance’ that other days are lacking. I’ll unwillingly wait all day like a stupid puppy for my phone to ring with some good news, some hope of a future, and it won’t even though I turn it all the way up and set it in the one spot in the house where I have several bars of reception. I’ll pathetically get excited every day around noon when the mail comes, thinking that somehow my redemption will appear in an envelope there, though in my entire life it never has. Tomorrow I’ll feel guilty and worthless as I drag my unwilling husband to eat small portions of crappy food at a free apartment dinner with people we don’t know- basically charity food, necessary because of MY lack of income.

 I’ll wonder if these feelings are legitimate, or if I’m just ‘chemically unbalanced’ through some fault of my own, like going off birth control or eating ice cream before bed or sleeping too much. Or if I’m just not strong enough or willing enough to control myself, to force away these feelings.

But today I don’t want to try. I just want to be free; want the answers to come; want someone to be interested. I’m sick of being the strong one, making so much effort to control everything in my life so it’s perfect, trying to be perfect, using everything I have just to appear strong and to feel invincible. I just want to let go, want someone else to be strong and perfect for once so I can just be, and stop trying to hide the weaknesses.  I want to be safe enough to be weak; trust someone enough to let go. But waking up every day is a harsh slap in the face- I’m not safe; I don’t trust; and I cannot ever be weak- that would be giving up, that would be losing the battle, that would mean it was all over and done and I failed. I have to wake up, to keep working, to be the strong one and keep trying to make it perfect. I just wish the moments in between weren’t quite so long and painful, not quite so reminding of what I’ve tried to forget.  

Justice and the Cheesy Truth

Note: This post was originally written on Friday, February 11th 2011


“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing” -War and Peace/Edmund Burke

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” – 

Declaration of Independence

Justice… with all the crazy scandals and horribly abuses in the world, it almost seems like an antiquated idea, a dusty old thing that has lost its power and relevance.

There are things we were taught in school as essential rules of interaction in a civilized society- “Wait your turn”, “Don’t hit”, “Be fair”, “Say you’re sorry”, “Share”, “Be honest”, etc. These rules and others that we tried to understand as children quickly become laughable in adulthood. After reading the daily news headlines or even just taking a look around at the world today, one might get the impression that impatience, violence, corruption, hatred, dishonesty, abuse, war, and selfishness are not only commonplace, but acceptable and inevitable traits of human society. Inevitable, perhaps- but acceptable? Have we really become so broken, so distorted and hopeless that evil is no longer thought of as the enemy?

Now I know that there are many people who do good, fight for justice, and love others. But sometimes it’s easy to get discouraged and lose sight of the good that is being done in the world. In light of the high levels of corruption that we are surrounded with on a daily basis, and in response to experiences I have had, I want to make my stance known. I have always tried to do the right thing, and to my surprise I am often opposed by those I expected to stand with me. I have been called naïve, told that I overreact, and that I can’t make any difference, but I don’t believe it. I cannot necessarily change laws, punish criminals, or fix all the problems in the world. But I can control my own life, and when I see corruption, abuse, and evil that I have the power to fight, I will not hold back. So here is my pledge:

I will not knowingly or willingly participate in acts of injustice. When it is in my power to act, I will do all that I can to promote justice and freedom. I will choose to do the right thing. I will support and defend the abused and helpless when I have the ability to do so. I will speak up when I see something that is wrong, instead of letting it slip by. I will exercise my own freedom and will fight as much as possible against any bondage, abuse, or evil. I will stand for good. I will stand for honestly, fairness, non-violence, safety, freedom, justice, and peace. I will actively seek the good in life and be encouraged by it.

Maybe I won’t make much of a difference- but small things can add up.  And no, I don’t care that this sounds ridiculously cheesy, because I believe these ideals and small actions are what really makes a difference in the world.  If everyone did what they could to make the world better in their little sphere of influence, it would make a big difference.  In conclusion, I’d like to mention the story of the starfish (If you don’t know it, read it here: http://muttcats.com/starfish.htm ), and remember every time you make a choice for good: It made a difference to that one.

Tired

Of waiting, of wondering, of feeling guilty. Of not knowing what to do next or why it's always this way.
Of thinking too much, of not feeling what I should. Of trying to be strong and upbeat and purposeful and really feeling rather lost. Of walking in circles over and over again for years and being frustrated each time I end up exactly where I started. Of feeling frozen and confused and stuck and unable. Of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and w a i t i n g.  And wishing I had known what I missed, what I should have done differently, and wishing I could just solve all the problems and make everything perfect.

Reality

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  ~Albert Einstein

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what

is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18


Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.  ~Philip K. Dick


So far I've come up with three criteria to define 'reality'- that thing that is somehow more legitimate than our dreams, thoughts, imaginings, feelings, hallucinations, or other experiences. Reality is 1. Persistent- every day, it's there. It doesn't go away like dreams do. 2. Consistent- It makes sense, follows a logical timeline of events, doesn't change because of our awareness of it. 3. Shared- others can see and affirm our experiences; they are not unique to ourselves or our minds. Things that happen just once, that no one else experiences, and that don't seem to make sense in context are usually assumed to be unreal or imagined. No matter how vivid the dream, once we fully wake up we understand that it was a dream because of these three things- it is no longer persisting, the events happened without any context or logical order, and no one else has memory of it. The uncertainty comes when we question if these criteria really are the correct, or the only, definition of reality. Haven't you ever wondered if dreams take place in the reality of some other dimension, or if life is mostly an illusion? This is the stuff of movies like The Matrix, Avatar, and The Truman show; novels like Ted Dekker's 'Circle Trilogy', and philosophers who must have nothing better to do all day than sit around and wonder if reality is real. 


It's indulgent, really, to even consider absurd ideas that question reality. But, regardless, it quickly becomes more than just entertainment to ask these questions. It also becomes necessary to question the true nature of reality when it comes to certain experiences- dreams that come true, visions that appear relevant, near-death experiences, answers to prayers, spiritual encounters, unexplained phenomena, prophecy, 'hearing' from God,  etc. Asking ourselves how the unseen world works is a huge and not totally answerable question, but one that cannot be avoided. However, because of the nature of these 'unreal' experiences, there is no reliable way to study or compare them, or to scientifically come up with a reliable method for determining their accuracy. This is frustrating for me, and probably for lots of others too. Some people prefer to just deny or ignore anything that does not fit the bill of clear-cut, provable reality; after all, who has time to chase after imaginings and superstitions when real life is time-consuming enough? 


But could it be that these things are meant to be ambiguous? Could it be that 'reality' might also encompass something beyond what science can measure, something messy and confusing and felt rather than seen? Could the experiences we have in our minds, hearts, and souls be as legitimate as the ones we have physically? Could we learn things in our sleep that hold importance enough to rival what we learn while awake? I don't know- I don't see how anyone really could know for sure. But I feel that it is our job as individuals to take into consideration our own experiences ('real' or not), stories from others, logic and science, heart and mind, religion and faith, and at least to wonder. To accept without question every hallucination, dream, or crazy person's rant would be absolutely foolish and unwise. And certainly there is always evil lurking, in reality or otherwise, and we must guard our minds and hearts, and remain grounded in the reality we know for certain. 


However, to dismiss everything unseen might be a mistake; maybe some of the richest and most precious things are there to be uncovered. Maybe our minds hold the power to help us resolve even the most persistent  problems while we sleep; maybe our spirits can draw strength from an invisible hand. Maybe there is an unseen thing that is just as real, something yet to be discovered by science. And maybe not; perhaps standard reality is all there is and the rest is indulgent nonsense that leads us astray. Either way, some part of us has the ability to remember, connect, and respond to experiences even though they are unreal. Ask a boy who had a vision of heaven during an operation while in 'reality' he was unconscious; ask the girl who dreamed of an event before it happened; ask the mother who had a conversation with God about whether it was her time to die; or ask the father who knew something was wrong long before the phone call came. People are changed by things that cannot be strictly classified as 'real', things that cannot be proven or recorded or reproduced. What you make of that is up to you; my only conclusion is that, no matter how you look at it, this unreal stuff really is fascinating. 

Uncertainty

It always happens- life changes, choices are made, and whatever amount of stability I had managed to achieve in my life is quickly reduced into a blinding mass of uncertainty. I believe I made the right choice to leave my job; I know this job was not healthy for me and I was not helping anyone else, and that I can do more good and achieve my fuller potential somewhere else. But that knowledge still doesn't help with the uncertainty. Here I am, an adult with bills and responsibilities and the looming future of possibly producing offspring, and I'm going into 2011 unemployed by choice. The little voices in my head are arguing- "You are so irresponsible, you made a stupid decision, you're so needy and selfish. You should have been thankful you had a job instead of complaining about little things like injustice, illegal activity, and unfair treatment that millions of people around the world deal with every day." And the other voice replies: "But surely we weren't created to just endure misery and sit back when bad things happen to us; surely we are meant to take any action we can to make our lives better and to become the best people we can be. Settling for a bad situation isn't a good idea. Taking leaps of faith (using wisdom and risk evaluation) and trying to improve our situation is a good and constructive thing to do. Humanity would never grow, mature, learn, achieve success, or advance without people having these moments of uncertainty when they tried something new to gain a better future."  And on and on it goes in my mind. I try to be calm, to believe that somehow everything will work out like it has every other time I've faced this frightening blindness. But the fear is persistent; the "what if" 's won't stop. What if I can't find another job and we run out of savings? What if I get pregnant by accident and can't provide for the baby? What if my husband thinks I'm a bum because I quit my job? What if I never achieve the life I'm striving for? And all the other worries about life, even beyond my job situation. Like everyone else, I worry about money, the economy and future, my family, my relationships, my health, etc. But there is also balance- the logic that says I can't just spend all day worrying, and it's the holiday season so I need to relax and have fun and let whatever happens next year happen. So I've been doing my best, and though the worries are a constant buzz on the edge of my consciousness, I still have been able to enjoy this wonderful Christmas season with my friends and family, and I'm so thankful for all these precious moments and memories. This Monday the holidays will be over and I'll be thrust into that hazy cloud of a completely unknown future again. But maybe someday (hopefully someday soon), I'll be able to see a few steps ahead again- able to continue my plans to work, study, save, pay of debt, prepare for the future, and improve my lifestyle.  Fear is natural; peace is something that must be constantly reached for. So I just keep reaching for that peace; taking steps in the dark, keep hoping for a beam of sunlight to break through the clouds, keep being grateful for the joyous and bright moments in-between. And right now- before everything comes crashing back down to the reality of ruts, schedules, the lock-step of daily life- in this one weightless moment of pure potential, anything is possible. And that is an incredible feeling.