It's a Trap

I was happily editing a spreadsheet at work, and BAM- suddenly I was hit hard with the very unwelcome realization that my current life is one of the biggest threats I have ever faced. Here I sit, perfectly content, happy and comfortable- in fact, my life has never been better. I’ve never felt so good about waking up every morning and going to sleep every night. The old pressure to escape my situation, the anxiety of struggling, the long, empty, soul-searching days- those are just memories now, replaced by a new sort of fullness. But that fullness suddenly just looks like comfortable occupied-ness. I know that I know this- but I don’t have to admit it to myself. The voice that used to shout and nag me to move on (when I was in less pleasant circumstances) is now just a quiet whisper, a tiny twinge of knowing every now and then- I can do better. I could be more.

The fact that I am hearing this little voice scares me- not because I fear insanity, but because I am happy, and that voice threatens to make me move. I am safe here; I don’t worry about much, my days are busy and enjoyable, and I savor my life in my nice apartment with my steady job and paycheck. For the first time, my life seems stable. Shut up, voice; I like it here.

But I know as well as that voice does that this path doesn't lead anywhere. I've seen the future, and my answer is to close my eyes and look away. I won’t be like that. Yeah, right- how would I avoid it? ‘Safe Zone’ says the sign on my desk- more fitting than I realized. Safety has become a dangerous trap;  it is the only thing that may succeed in stopping me dead in my tracks.

Adventure is out there. OUT there; not in here, where I’m comfortable and safe, happy and entertained. Adventure doesn't come to those who sit comfortably. Adventure requires sacrifice and risk- two things I tend not to seek out.  

I can see clearly the three ‘potential lives’ I might have, and the idea of having to choose tortures me in my quiet moments:

1. The Happy Housewife, raising kids and tending a garden and cleaning our home, taking day trips to the park and the beach, joining mommy-and-me groups, pre-and post-natal yoga, changing diapers and wiping runny noses and baking pies at Christmas- simple and warm, but not particularly exciting or intellectually fulfilling;

2. The Office Lady, typing until arthritis stops me, knowing every detail of my job from having done it a thousand times, with a dusty and well-decorated desk and a worn in area on the floor where I sit, all day, every day, never going further than my chair can roll- safe, happy, and stuck in a well-traveled and un-challenging rut;

3. The Academic Go-Getter, spending my days with my nose buried in books and student loans, broke, fighting the boredom of academia while trying to retain my natural curiosity and learn a few useful tricks for the impending career/grad school search, which will turn into long days applying and then working, hoping to eventually find both a satisfying career and a good salary, and maybe, someday, more time to spend with my kids-oh, wait, I think I meant more time applying for a research grant (who has time for kids?!)- full of potential for accomplishment, and debt, and burn-out.

Right now I’m solidly on path #2; but is that my choice? Or have my paralysis and inability to choose put me here? That’s not how I want to go through life, making the easiest choices so I don’t have to do anything risky or uncomfortable. Or is it?

Sigh.

Afraid to move; afraid to stand still. My time here is limited- I don’t want to die with a life half-lived, having always been too terrified to actually make any decisions. But risks are so hard to take, and comfort is so addicting...

Impossible?

I was thinking today about accomplishing large goals, and realized that it is often more possible than it seems at first. We are capable of so much, but often get intimidated by the sheer scale of our dreams or ideas. Taking small steps, over and over, will eventually lead you to your goal. Consider the Pyramids or the Great Wall of China- incomprehensibly massive, yet they were built one brick at a time. Given enough time, effort, and proper planning, crazy ideas can be made into reality, monumental tasks can be accomplished, and the impossible can be endured.

When a task or goal seems overwhelming, try breaking it up into smaller, more manageable pieces. This will give an idea of what it will actually take to accomplish, and it may suddenly seem much more doable. Still seems overwhelming? Break it down again, and again, into the smallest possible fragments. Usually, these small bits are much less frightening and seem easier to tackle, and it puts everything in perspective. Can you run a marathon right now? Probably not. But can you do the first 20-minute practice session of a beginner's running/walking program? It's much more likely that you can handle this first small step. Then, in a few days, do it again, increasing your training in small increments. Keep it up for several weeks, then months. Learn to run for 30 seconds, 5 minutes, a full mile, then a 5K, 10K, half-marathon- and if you don't give up, next thing you know, 26.2 will be checked off your bucket list!

Another way to break things down is to try focusing on one moment. Instead of thinking about years, break it down to months, weeks, days, hours, seconds- right now, in this instant, what step(s) can you take towards your goal? Even if you feel like you could not possibly accomplish the whole task, you can almost definitely take that one small step. Overwhelmed by college? Just attend your next class, or write one more sentence in that paper. Feel like your diet is too hard? Skip just this one snack, chew some gum, get through this afternoon, or make one healthy substitution for your craving right now. Can't get through this workout? Take one more step, do one more rep. Then do it again- a few seconds of effort, and few seconds of rest. Dealing with pain? Focus on your breath, just this one inhale and exhale. Learning algebra? Get one problem done, get a good grasp on this one concept, and return to it tomorrow. Let the small victories give you a sense of joy and accomplishment- you are progressing towards your goal! Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.

But what happens when you come to a piece that cannot be broken down any more, and is seemingly impossible to overcome? Your muscles give out, you have a mental breakdown, your get an 'F', or find yourself backtracking; when this happens, find out why. Can you take a break or try again? What would it take to overcome that one thing? Is it something within your control (i.e. willpower), or outside of it (i.e. physical impossibility, other's choices, lack of funding). If the latter, can you take any steps to influence the outcome, such as getting help/advice from an outside party, modifying your approach, fundraising, practicing, waiting, etc? Sometimes obstacles can still be overcome, but it may take more strategizing to solve the tougher problems.

But it's also not helpful to be unrealistically optimistic- some things truly are impossible. When all else has failed and you absolutely cannot take one more step towards your goal, then the time comes to make a choice about whether this goal is still worth pursuing. Sometimes this will involve asking for input from others, modifying your goal, or even abandoning it all together and mourning the loss of your plans. Even then, keep your head up- failure is not the end, and with some hope and resilience, you can form a new plan. Though it may not be your original goal, you can still accomplish something great- and sometimes, unplanned changes lead to even more spectacular results.

Remember: You are stronger than you think you are, and there is always hope.