The Inevitability of Suffering

We spend so much time trying to avoid pain- we are utterly obsessed with it! We have a very strong tendency to reject pain and evil, to avoid all types of suffering, to block it from our thoughts and fight with everything we are to not think about or feel it, to run and hide from any unpleasantness or horror or bad experience, and to surround ourselves with fun and comfort. We hope things will be better, pray for relief and peace, go into denial, stress ourselves out when we or those we love have to endure anything, and use a thousand other defenses against the hardness of life. But maybe this is like walking around begging the sun not to shine- are we wasting our time, frantically running from what always surrounds and saturates us? Life seems to consist of an incessant, omnipresent, and utterly mixed atmosphere of good and evil, pain and beauty, truth and lies. Nature is simultaneously gentle and harsh, people are wonderful and horrible, chance favors us about as often as it seems to attack us, and (for those with faith), God confuses as much as he comforts.

We desperately search for meaning in all of this pain and suffering, and those who believe in a God often think that he manipulates all forces to his will, and so we must be out of his favor when things go wrong, as humans have thought for thousands of years. Others believe we are pawns in a game much larger than ourselves, and that our suffering is simply collateral damage. Still others believe our sufferings to be part of a higher plan, and that we should trust that everything is for a reason, and that God ultimately has our best interests in mind. Regardless, even the Bible seems to indicate that God does not have-or does not practice- complete control over evil. For whatever reason, the devil was allowed to rebel, and the weeds were allowed to grow with the wheat, and God has not consistently (to my knowledge of history and scripture) made it a point to protect humans from all suffering. Religious or not, and whatever God’s reasons may or may not be, we are all faced with the inevitability of pain and suffering in our lifetimes

Our lives are utterly and intrinsically mixed, full of all things. Are our idealism and panicked attempts to shelter ourselves, perhaps, a bit childish? Would we find more peace if we simply accepted what has always been true- pain and evil are inevitable? Yes, human choice plays a role, and we can (and should) always try to be better people and push others to do the same (I am by no means saying that society should give up on critical quality-of-life improvements, justice, etc). But regarding our attitudes towards things we have no control over- the fear of pain, of death, wishing things would be perfect and trying to cushion ourselves from the realities of life- maybe this is just us, hiding our heads in the sand. Sometimes, life is NOT ok- and, just maybe, it’s ok to acknowledge that. We go around with big smiles on, telling others we’re fine, and idealizing (and idolizing) great and happy lives- all the while, often harboring bitterness or fear, because things are not perfect- never perfect. Maybe it would be more honest to accept our own suffering, rather than to dread and fear and stress about it. Life, at some point, becomes very ugly, messy, and broken- and no one on earth is excluded from it.

What would happen if we let go of the fear, frantic pleas for relief, avoidance and denial? Instead of praying for God to save us from any unpleasant experiences, what if we accepted these as the unavoidable ‘weeds’ in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13)? Perhaps we should pray for endurance, rather than relief. Could we become more honest and authentic people, with more sympathy for each other? Would we find ourselves stronger, fuller, and more resilient as we learn and come together and muddle through life with all of it’s thorns and shortfalls, rather than hiding in a shiny illusion of happiness? Perhaps a ‘raw’ soul is better than one hidden behind so many defenses and bulwarks. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves or living in fear, could we live up to our full potential as humans- enduring and loving, suffering and dying, being fully alive in the midst of our horrible and beautiful lives? Would the truly wonderful and joyful moments become even more pure and lovely, because we could allow ourselves to acknowledge and accept the strange and stark contrasts between the pain and the beauty? Ultimately, maybe our attitude about suffering actually has more power than the suffering itself.

Note: This is not an accusation or a criticism of religion, people, or anything else; I speak for myself more than anyone else, as a desperately wishful thinker who hopes things never go wrong. I was wondering if there was an alternative to being either jaded and skeptical or naive and wishful, when this idea of acceptance suddenly struck me. I’m sure that many people more wise and knowledgeable than myself have considered this long before me, and have much more developed ideas on it. In fact, there are probably volumes dedicated to this line of thought in some or other philosophy, religion, or discipline, and I have merely stumbled upon the tip of a very old idea.

It's a Trap

I was happily editing a spreadsheet at work, and BAM- suddenly I was hit hard with the very unwelcome realization that my current life is one of the biggest threats I have ever faced. Here I sit, perfectly content, happy and comfortable- in fact, my life has never been better. I’ve never felt so good about waking up every morning and going to sleep every night. The old pressure to escape my situation, the anxiety of struggling, the long, empty, soul-searching days- those are just memories now, replaced by a new sort of fullness. But that fullness suddenly just looks like comfortable occupied-ness. I know that I know this- but I don’t have to admit it to myself. The voice that used to shout and nag me to move on (when I was in less pleasant circumstances) is now just a quiet whisper, a tiny twinge of knowing every now and then- I can do better. I could be more.

The fact that I am hearing this little voice scares me- not because I fear insanity, but because I am happy, and that voice threatens to make me move. I am safe here; I don’t worry about much, my days are busy and enjoyable, and I savor my life in my nice apartment with my steady job and paycheck. For the first time, my life seems stable. Shut up, voice; I like it here.

But I know as well as that voice does that this path doesn't lead anywhere. I've seen the future, and my answer is to close my eyes and look away. I won’t be like that. Yeah, right- how would I avoid it? ‘Safe Zone’ says the sign on my desk- more fitting than I realized. Safety has become a dangerous trap;  it is the only thing that may succeed in stopping me dead in my tracks.

Adventure is out there. OUT there; not in here, where I’m comfortable and safe, happy and entertained. Adventure doesn't come to those who sit comfortably. Adventure requires sacrifice and risk- two things I tend not to seek out.  

I can see clearly the three ‘potential lives’ I might have, and the idea of having to choose tortures me in my quiet moments:

1. The Happy Housewife, raising kids and tending a garden and cleaning our home, taking day trips to the park and the beach, joining mommy-and-me groups, pre-and post-natal yoga, changing diapers and wiping runny noses and baking pies at Christmas- simple and warm, but not particularly exciting or intellectually fulfilling;

2. The Office Lady, typing until arthritis stops me, knowing every detail of my job from having done it a thousand times, with a dusty and well-decorated desk and a worn in area on the floor where I sit, all day, every day, never going further than my chair can roll- safe, happy, and stuck in a well-traveled and un-challenging rut;

3. The Academic Go-Getter, spending my days with my nose buried in books and student loans, broke, fighting the boredom of academia while trying to retain my natural curiosity and learn a few useful tricks for the impending career/grad school search, which will turn into long days applying and then working, hoping to eventually find both a satisfying career and a good salary, and maybe, someday, more time to spend with my kids-oh, wait, I think I meant more time applying for a research grant (who has time for kids?!)- full of potential for accomplishment, and debt, and burn-out.

Right now I’m solidly on path #2; but is that my choice? Or have my paralysis and inability to choose put me here? That’s not how I want to go through life, making the easiest choices so I don’t have to do anything risky or uncomfortable. Or is it?

Sigh.

Afraid to move; afraid to stand still. My time here is limited- I don’t want to die with a life half-lived, having always been too terrified to actually make any decisions. But risks are so hard to take, and comfort is so addicting...

Impossible?

I was thinking today about accomplishing large goals, and realized that it is often more possible than it seems at first. We are capable of so much, but often get intimidated by the sheer scale of our dreams or ideas. Taking small steps, over and over, will eventually lead you to your goal. Consider the Pyramids or the Great Wall of China- incomprehensibly massive, yet they were built one brick at a time. Given enough time, effort, and proper planning, crazy ideas can be made into reality, monumental tasks can be accomplished, and the impossible can be endured.

When a task or goal seems overwhelming, try breaking it up into smaller, more manageable pieces. This will give an idea of what it will actually take to accomplish, and it may suddenly seem much more doable. Still seems overwhelming? Break it down again, and again, into the smallest possible fragments. Usually, these small bits are much less frightening and seem easier to tackle, and it puts everything in perspective. Can you run a marathon right now? Probably not. But can you do the first 20-minute practice session of a beginner's running/walking program? It's much more likely that you can handle this first small step. Then, in a few days, do it again, increasing your training in small increments. Keep it up for several weeks, then months. Learn to run for 30 seconds, 5 minutes, a full mile, then a 5K, 10K, half-marathon- and if you don't give up, next thing you know, 26.2 will be checked off your bucket list!

Another way to break things down is to try focusing on one moment. Instead of thinking about years, break it down to months, weeks, days, hours, seconds- right now, in this instant, what step(s) can you take towards your goal? Even if you feel like you could not possibly accomplish the whole task, you can almost definitely take that one small step. Overwhelmed by college? Just attend your next class, or write one more sentence in that paper. Feel like your diet is too hard? Skip just this one snack, chew some gum, get through this afternoon, or make one healthy substitution for your craving right now. Can't get through this workout? Take one more step, do one more rep. Then do it again- a few seconds of effort, and few seconds of rest. Dealing with pain? Focus on your breath, just this one inhale and exhale. Learning algebra? Get one problem done, get a good grasp on this one concept, and return to it tomorrow. Let the small victories give you a sense of joy and accomplishment- you are progressing towards your goal! Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.

But what happens when you come to a piece that cannot be broken down any more, and is seemingly impossible to overcome? Your muscles give out, you have a mental breakdown, your get an 'F', or find yourself backtracking; when this happens, find out why. Can you take a break or try again? What would it take to overcome that one thing? Is it something within your control (i.e. willpower), or outside of it (i.e. physical impossibility, other's choices, lack of funding). If the latter, can you take any steps to influence the outcome, such as getting help/advice from an outside party, modifying your approach, fundraising, practicing, waiting, etc? Sometimes obstacles can still be overcome, but it may take more strategizing to solve the tougher problems.

But it's also not helpful to be unrealistically optimistic- some things truly are impossible. When all else has failed and you absolutely cannot take one more step towards your goal, then the time comes to make a choice about whether this goal is still worth pursuing. Sometimes this will involve asking for input from others, modifying your goal, or even abandoning it all together and mourning the loss of your plans. Even then, keep your head up- failure is not the end, and with some hope and resilience, you can form a new plan. Though it may not be your original goal, you can still accomplish something great- and sometimes, unplanned changes lead to even more spectacular results.

Remember: You are stronger than you think you are, and there is always hope.

Reawakening

When I was a child, I went to visit my grandmother and her husband. They had a koi fish pond in the back yard, and I loved to watch the big, slow fish wiggle and glide in the shimmery water. I stood there mesmerized as my grandmother’s husband told me story of one winter when it had been especially cold, and the top of the pond had frozen over. The fish moved slower and slower under the ice; everyone thought they would die. But when spring finally came and the ice thawed, there were the fish, just swimming along as if nothing had happened. I was amazed at the casual resiliency shown by these creatures; they nearly froze, and yet they just... went on.

Recently, I’ve thought back on the fish story because I’ve noticed some things in my life- some aspects of myself- that seem to be like these fish. It’s strange how things within us can freeze and reawaken, years later, as if no time has passed at all. A passion, habit, thought, or discipline that I’ve forgotten about will stir; something I thought was long since dead. Suddenly, it’s as if no time has passed, and this aspect of myself is back; brand new, and yet so familiar. And I’m reminded that some things never truly die. Even when I think I know myself, there can still be things buried deep, hibernating beneath the ice, that may return even when I don’t expect it. Of course, this can be both a good and a bad thing; a pleasant surprise reminding me of the strength of my still-beating heart, or a sharp pain from a wound I had thought healed. Regardless, these things help me remember that I am alive and not stagnant. Even as we grow, move on, and learn, our past still intertwines with our present to create a fuller, multi-dimensional version of ourselves, thus preventing our souls from becoming atrophied and dormant. I will try to embrace these happenings as they occur- the good memories as comfort, and the painful ones as reminders that old wounds still need care and healing rather than avoidance.