Tired

Of waiting, of wondering, of feeling guilty. Of not knowing what to do next or why it's always this way.
Of thinking too much, of not feeling what I should. Of trying to be strong and upbeat and purposeful and really feeling rather lost. Of walking in circles over and over again for years and being frustrated each time I end up exactly where I started. Of feeling frozen and confused and stuck and unable. Of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and w a i t i n g.  And wishing I had known what I missed, what I should have done differently, and wishing I could just solve all the problems and make everything perfect.

Reality

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  ~Albert Einstein

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what

is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18


Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.  ~Philip K. Dick


So far I've come up with three criteria to define 'reality'- that thing that is somehow more legitimate than our dreams, thoughts, imaginings, feelings, hallucinations, or other experiences. Reality is 1. Persistent- every day, it's there. It doesn't go away like dreams do. 2. Consistent- It makes sense, follows a logical timeline of events, doesn't change because of our awareness of it. 3. Shared- others can see and affirm our experiences; they are not unique to ourselves or our minds. Things that happen just once, that no one else experiences, and that don't seem to make sense in context are usually assumed to be unreal or imagined. No matter how vivid the dream, once we fully wake up we understand that it was a dream because of these three things- it is no longer persisting, the events happened without any context or logical order, and no one else has memory of it. The uncertainty comes when we question if these criteria really are the correct, or the only, definition of reality. Haven't you ever wondered if dreams take place in the reality of some other dimension, or if life is mostly an illusion? This is the stuff of movies like The Matrix, Avatar, and The Truman show; novels like Ted Dekker's 'Circle Trilogy', and philosophers who must have nothing better to do all day than sit around and wonder if reality is real. 


It's indulgent, really, to even consider absurd ideas that question reality. But, regardless, it quickly becomes more than just entertainment to ask these questions. It also becomes necessary to question the true nature of reality when it comes to certain experiences- dreams that come true, visions that appear relevant, near-death experiences, answers to prayers, spiritual encounters, unexplained phenomena, prophecy, 'hearing' from God,  etc. Asking ourselves how the unseen world works is a huge and not totally answerable question, but one that cannot be avoided. However, because of the nature of these 'unreal' experiences, there is no reliable way to study or compare them, or to scientifically come up with a reliable method for determining their accuracy. This is frustrating for me, and probably for lots of others too. Some people prefer to just deny or ignore anything that does not fit the bill of clear-cut, provable reality; after all, who has time to chase after imaginings and superstitions when real life is time-consuming enough? 


But could it be that these things are meant to be ambiguous? Could it be that 'reality' might also encompass something beyond what science can measure, something messy and confusing and felt rather than seen? Could the experiences we have in our minds, hearts, and souls be as legitimate as the ones we have physically? Could we learn things in our sleep that hold importance enough to rival what we learn while awake? I don't know- I don't see how anyone really could know for sure. But I feel that it is our job as individuals to take into consideration our own experiences ('real' or not), stories from others, logic and science, heart and mind, religion and faith, and at least to wonder. To accept without question every hallucination, dream, or crazy person's rant would be absolutely foolish and unwise. And certainly there is always evil lurking, in reality or otherwise, and we must guard our minds and hearts, and remain grounded in the reality we know for certain. 


However, to dismiss everything unseen might be a mistake; maybe some of the richest and most precious things are there to be uncovered. Maybe our minds hold the power to help us resolve even the most persistent  problems while we sleep; maybe our spirits can draw strength from an invisible hand. Maybe there is an unseen thing that is just as real, something yet to be discovered by science. And maybe not; perhaps standard reality is all there is and the rest is indulgent nonsense that leads us astray. Either way, some part of us has the ability to remember, connect, and respond to experiences even though they are unreal. Ask a boy who had a vision of heaven during an operation while in 'reality' he was unconscious; ask the girl who dreamed of an event before it happened; ask the mother who had a conversation with God about whether it was her time to die; or ask the father who knew something was wrong long before the phone call came. People are changed by things that cannot be strictly classified as 'real', things that cannot be proven or recorded or reproduced. What you make of that is up to you; my only conclusion is that, no matter how you look at it, this unreal stuff really is fascinating.