Friends

"From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax and be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth."
— Thich Nhat Hanh 


I find respite and peace in spending time with my friends. Having fun together is like therapy; my mind forgets about all the discouraging thoughts and I am just happy.  I enjoy these times together- meals, outings, casual relaxing moments just talking or watching a movie. I love those moments of pure joy without any thought of worries, when interaction itself is enough and answers aren't necessary. How wonderful to feel accepted; to reminisce about lovely times in the past, and make exciting plans for the future. Today I am grateful for my wonderful friends who bring happiness and light to my life. 

Purposeful Cheer

I could use some cheering up; some lightheartedness and a pleasant day where I can go 24 hours without pondering the meaning of life, worrying about money/relationships/family, or stressing about the the state of the world and our country. One night without dreaming about terrorism, sinking boats, or tsunamis. A day when I don't feel guilty or angry or listless. My brain has gotten out of whack; I need to renew my mind or change my habits or snap out of it. Or find a purpose. Really, I think that's what it all comes down to- Purpose. I feel unguided and frustrated, and I need something to live towards (or for). Why is purpose so difficult to find? Maybe I'm looking too hard; maybe purpose is something that finds you when you quit looking for it. Hopefully, someday, I'll find out.

Unwillingly (a bad day)

This post was originally written yesterday, Feb. 14th 2010. Fair warning: it's rather depressing, as I was having a bad day. But it would be dishonest to only post on good days, so here are the very blunt musings of me in a dark moment.

2-14-11 Unwillingly

Today I don’t want to. I didn’t want to get up, and so I laid there for two hours before dragging myself, unwillingly, out of bed.  I unwillingly made breakfast and unwillingly shoved it down my throat, and now I’m unwillingly fulfilling my obligations to the day. The job search websites seem to be mocking me; it seems a cruel dependency, the way I return to them day after day even though all I get back are junk mail and rejection letters. It’s psychologically unhealthy to keep going back to something that only hurts you , and yet here I am, unwillingly, skimming the postings once again, sure to find some lovely company who would gladly and mercilessly dash my hopes yet again. Every time I look at the calendar or the budget, it’s a brutal reminder that I’m failing.

I’ll unwillingly SIT here all day long, lonely and bored, wishing anyone cared and wishing I was good for something.  I’ll unwillingly do the laundry and the dishes and water the grass and take out the trash and exercise, and  go to dinner tonight pretending ironically that today carries some magical ‘extra romance’ that other days are lacking. I’ll unwillingly wait all day like a stupid puppy for my phone to ring with some good news, some hope of a future, and it won’t even though I turn it all the way up and set it in the one spot in the house where I have several bars of reception. I’ll pathetically get excited every day around noon when the mail comes, thinking that somehow my redemption will appear in an envelope there, though in my entire life it never has. Tomorrow I’ll feel guilty and worthless as I drag my unwilling husband to eat small portions of crappy food at a free apartment dinner with people we don’t know- basically charity food, necessary because of MY lack of income.

 I’ll wonder if these feelings are legitimate, or if I’m just ‘chemically unbalanced’ through some fault of my own, like going off birth control or eating ice cream before bed or sleeping too much. Or if I’m just not strong enough or willing enough to control myself, to force away these feelings.

But today I don’t want to try. I just want to be free; want the answers to come; want someone to be interested. I’m sick of being the strong one, making so much effort to control everything in my life so it’s perfect, trying to be perfect, using everything I have just to appear strong and to feel invincible. I just want to let go, want someone else to be strong and perfect for once so I can just be, and stop trying to hide the weaknesses.  I want to be safe enough to be weak; trust someone enough to let go. But waking up every day is a harsh slap in the face- I’m not safe; I don’t trust; and I cannot ever be weak- that would be giving up, that would be losing the battle, that would mean it was all over and done and I failed. I have to wake up, to keep working, to be the strong one and keep trying to make it perfect. I just wish the moments in between weren’t quite so long and painful, not quite so reminding of what I’ve tried to forget.  

Justice and the Cheesy Truth

Note: This post was originally written on Friday, February 11th 2011


“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing” -War and Peace/Edmund Burke

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” – 

Declaration of Independence

Justice… with all the crazy scandals and horribly abuses in the world, it almost seems like an antiquated idea, a dusty old thing that has lost its power and relevance.

There are things we were taught in school as essential rules of interaction in a civilized society- “Wait your turn”, “Don’t hit”, “Be fair”, “Say you’re sorry”, “Share”, “Be honest”, etc. These rules and others that we tried to understand as children quickly become laughable in adulthood. After reading the daily news headlines or even just taking a look around at the world today, one might get the impression that impatience, violence, corruption, hatred, dishonesty, abuse, war, and selfishness are not only commonplace, but acceptable and inevitable traits of human society. Inevitable, perhaps- but acceptable? Have we really become so broken, so distorted and hopeless that evil is no longer thought of as the enemy?

Now I know that there are many people who do good, fight for justice, and love others. But sometimes it’s easy to get discouraged and lose sight of the good that is being done in the world. In light of the high levels of corruption that we are surrounded with on a daily basis, and in response to experiences I have had, I want to make my stance known. I have always tried to do the right thing, and to my surprise I am often opposed by those I expected to stand with me. I have been called naïve, told that I overreact, and that I can’t make any difference, but I don’t believe it. I cannot necessarily change laws, punish criminals, or fix all the problems in the world. But I can control my own life, and when I see corruption, abuse, and evil that I have the power to fight, I will not hold back. So here is my pledge:

I will not knowingly or willingly participate in acts of injustice. When it is in my power to act, I will do all that I can to promote justice and freedom. I will choose to do the right thing. I will support and defend the abused and helpless when I have the ability to do so. I will speak up when I see something that is wrong, instead of letting it slip by. I will exercise my own freedom and will fight as much as possible against any bondage, abuse, or evil. I will stand for good. I will stand for honestly, fairness, non-violence, safety, freedom, justice, and peace. I will actively seek the good in life and be encouraged by it.

Maybe I won’t make much of a difference- but small things can add up.  And no, I don’t care that this sounds ridiculously cheesy, because I believe these ideals and small actions are what really makes a difference in the world.  If everyone did what they could to make the world better in their little sphere of influence, it would make a big difference.  In conclusion, I’d like to mention the story of the starfish (If you don’t know it, read it here: http://muttcats.com/starfish.htm ), and remember every time you make a choice for good: It made a difference to that one.