Uncertainty

It always happens- life changes, choices are made, and whatever amount of stability I had managed to achieve in my life is quickly reduced into a blinding mass of uncertainty. I believe I made the right choice to leave my job; I know this job was not healthy for me and I was not helping anyone else, and that I can do more good and achieve my fuller potential somewhere else. But that knowledge still doesn't help with the uncertainty. Here I am, an adult with bills and responsibilities and the looming future of possibly producing offspring, and I'm going into 2011 unemployed by choice. The little voices in my head are arguing- "You are so irresponsible, you made a stupid decision, you're so needy and selfish. You should have been thankful you had a job instead of complaining about little things like injustice, illegal activity, and unfair treatment that millions of people around the world deal with every day." And the other voice replies: "But surely we weren't created to just endure misery and sit back when bad things happen to us; surely we are meant to take any action we can to make our lives better and to become the best people we can be. Settling for a bad situation isn't a good idea. Taking leaps of faith (using wisdom and risk evaluation) and trying to improve our situation is a good and constructive thing to do. Humanity would never grow, mature, learn, achieve success, or advance without people having these moments of uncertainty when they tried something new to gain a better future."  And on and on it goes in my mind. I try to be calm, to believe that somehow everything will work out like it has every other time I've faced this frightening blindness. But the fear is persistent; the "what if" 's won't stop. What if I can't find another job and we run out of savings? What if I get pregnant by accident and can't provide for the baby? What if my husband thinks I'm a bum because I quit my job? What if I never achieve the life I'm striving for? And all the other worries about life, even beyond my job situation. Like everyone else, I worry about money, the economy and future, my family, my relationships, my health, etc. But there is also balance- the logic that says I can't just spend all day worrying, and it's the holiday season so I need to relax and have fun and let whatever happens next year happen. So I've been doing my best, and though the worries are a constant buzz on the edge of my consciousness, I still have been able to enjoy this wonderful Christmas season with my friends and family, and I'm so thankful for all these precious moments and memories. This Monday the holidays will be over and I'll be thrust into that hazy cloud of a completely unknown future again. But maybe someday (hopefully someday soon), I'll be able to see a few steps ahead again- able to continue my plans to work, study, save, pay of debt, prepare for the future, and improve my lifestyle.  Fear is natural; peace is something that must be constantly reached for. So I just keep reaching for that peace; taking steps in the dark, keep hoping for a beam of sunlight to break through the clouds, keep being grateful for the joyous and bright moments in-between. And right now- before everything comes crashing back down to the reality of ruts, schedules, the lock-step of daily life- in this one weightless moment of pure potential, anything is possible. And that is an incredible feeling.

Random Confessions of an Overthinker

I am a skeptic. I doubt everything. I don't trust people. I'm afraid of the dark. I think angry thoughts too often. I judge people. I talk to myself. I used to try and know when I was dreaming, until I realized that I liked the dreamworld and I didn't want to know it was fake; now I treasure my moments in that alternate reality where I can be someone else. I am happy. I pretend to be stronger than I am; but I am strong. I like my life. My friends and family are the most important things in the world to me. I love my little brother more than anyone in the world. I hold on to offenses too long; when I get hurt, I remember.  I'm afraid of being hurt or betrayed again. Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me. I feel that doing the right thing isn't so hard and that more people should try harder at  it. I don't give to homeless people because I work for my money and they don't. When I see parents mistreating their children, it kills me and I want to yell at them. I wish manners and professionalism were still in style. I swear sometimes. I don't cry during movies, as a rule- but sometimes I get really choked up and try to hide it- because as cold as I try to feel sometimes, it really gets to me when I see someone crying. I'm lonely. I am determined to learn almost everything before I die so that I can understand how the world works and do something amazing. I miss my mom. I love it when the sky is bright blue and the trees look crisp and the world looks so real. Taking a walk makes me feel alive. I miss dancing (and choir) every single day. I wish I could afford to buy clothes and shoes more often than once a year, but I'm so glad I can pay my bills. I went to a shrink once but they just tried to label me and give me meds so I left and solved my own problems with common sense, which apparently they don't have. I want people to like me, at least a little. I think trees look like they are reaching for God, and it makes my achy inside sometimes when I see how far the sky is. Sand makes me feel alone. People fascinate and confuse me. Food is one of the best things in life. Certain smells make me remember things I forgot years ago. I've lied to preserve a friendship, and to hide my feelings, but I'm pretty honest otherwise. I wish someone understood me. I'm thankful for sleep every night, food every day, and deep, renewing breaths that help me find peace when I'm stressed.  And I write about myself too much!

A quick note on Holidays

I've been contemplating what, exactly, makes holidays so special. Why do we look forward to them so much? Despite the blatant commercialism and the 'buy buy buy!' attitude the retailers want us to have, I don't think that being a consumer is the reason holidays are fun. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Independence Day... why do these events create such cherished memories and anticipation year after year? I tried to think of a time when I didn't feel the excitement, times when that inner 'warm glow' feeling was missing, to figure out what the magic factor was. It seems like having holidays alone or away from friends & family is a lonely and un-exciting affair. And I realized that the magic of holidays isn't in a calendar date, gifts and purchases, or a special food dish- it's the togetherness and the joyous community we have with our loved ones at those times of year that make the days special. The joy of being with close family and friends makes the day special, makes the gifts worthwhile, turns the food from a regular meal into a warm memory of good times. The spiritual meanings we celebrate and our precious times spend with loved ones are the reasons we have holidays. This may seem ridiculously elementary, since even the Grinch seemed able to figure it out, but I've never really been able to put my finger on it until now. In closing, to all of my wonderful and loving friends and family- Thank you. Thank you for being there, for the fun times, for the memories, for the love. You mean more to me than any shallow gift or event or food or day. As long as we can continue to have these great times together, the holidays will always be special, regardless of the economy or anything else. Humans were meant to live in relationship with others; I am so thankful for my relationships. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Ideal

I'm back! As it turns out, I've found myself increasingly stressed and distracted and thinking thoughts that are not really appropriate for this blog for one reason or another (too selfish, depressing, or philosophical). This is due to a variety of factors and I do not want this blog to become a place where I go to complain, therefore my lengthy absence became necessary. The past few months I've been doing a lot of thinking about life- what I expected it to be like, what it is like, how it should be, and what my ideal life would look like now that I am an adult (obviously my ideals have changed since I was a kid).

When I was little, and even a teen, I think I expected things to pretty much go a certain way- I would get married quickly out of high school, probably do some sort of ministry thing with my spouse, have some adventures, have kids... I didn't think much beyond that. But as I got older, I found myself becoming discontent with these simple ideas and wanting more out of life. I had always had a deep desire for purpose and meaning, but I thought my 'calling' would just be revealed to me somehow if I just waited long enough. Growing up for me included a rather shocking realization that I wasn't going to be handed a set of clearly marked blueprints for the rest of my life the moment I turned 18. This, in turn, led to much confused soul-searching on my part about what on earth I was supposed to do. As a depressed, anxious, and frustrated teenager, I felt abandoned and misunderstood by the church and my friends, and I took to reading, walking or driving alone for miles and hours on end, looking for something I couldn't define. I flew to visit my grandparents in another state and wandered around my grandmother's property for days, just thinking.

To make a long story short, I found some good friends and some activities that gave me purpose in the meantime, such as getting involved in church ministry, working at a children's camp, working full time, swimming, and planning to attend a community college. But my discontent grew and I ended up moving to California to attend APU, which of course you most likely know already. College was a major transition for me as I adjusted to a more social lifestyle in a totally different culture, met new friends, learned how to study in a real classroom (I had never attended a school before in my life), and eventually started dating the guy who I would end up marrying. That stage in life passed all to quickly and here I am now, 2 1/2 years into marriage with a full time job and a night class, trying to hold onto my atrophying brain & body's potential.

SO- (wow, I did NOT mean for this to turn in to an autobiography, sorry!!!) all that to say, in this new stage of life where I am technically an adult but not quite sure how to be one, I am trying to figure out what my goal is while I'm hanging out here on earth. And what I've found is a clear, simple, and distinct need for balance and variety. Having been given freedom as a human being to make choices, I want to make choices that make the world a better place and help me to accomplish my full potential. I believe this includes taking good care of myself, learning, improving, having healthy relationships, and helping others.

So the main components I believe that are necessary for balance are (in no particular order): 1. Physical Fitness, which I would prefer to obtain through dance, yoga, running, exercise classes, walking, and natural activities that avoid things like ellipticals and treadmills- ugh. 2. Mental Growth/ Education, which I can get through attending school and/or independently studying things that interest me (like the Encyclopedia! :) 3. Work, which is necessary to avoid laziness and to sustain a living, and can be purposeful. 4. Rest- times of emotional, physical, spiritual and mental relaxation and renewal, such as meditation, sleep, prayer, reading, watching tv, etc. 5. Giving- helping others and making the world better through kindness in everyday life and special activities to help others, such as volunteering, giving financially, church activities, community involvement, etc. 6. Socialization- spending time with friends, mentors, family, and fostering healthy, trusting, and ongoing relationships. 7. Maintenance- just the basics, hygiene, eating, sleeping, running errands, paying bills, cleaning, all that good necessary stuff.

The problem is, in order to accomplish all of that on a daily basis, I need a lot of two things- Time and Money. I have messed around with making an ideal schedule, something like this:
6-8 Get ready
8am-12pm Work
12-1 Eat
1-4 Take two classes, one educational and one fitness related
4-6 Run errands/socialize/clean/whatever
6-8 Eat/rest/socialize
8-10 Study
10-6 Sleep


So, since you've had such amazing patience to read my nearly-eternal ramblings, I would really like to hear from you. Is it silly of me to dream of something as basic and selfish as a nice schedule? Does anyone else struggle with these things? What is your ideal life? How have your goals changed?

Just a quick note..

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for not writing for so long, work and life have been very stressful and my brain has not had space for any blog-worthy thoughts lately. I will be writing again soon when my mind gets some 'breathing room'!

A quick note on the title...

To explain: 

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be." 

-William Hazlitt 

"Like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight, there's no need to imagine... we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we already are- as soon as we stop pretending we're small or unholy" 

- Bo Lozoff (A quote from a questionable person, but still a good quote I believe.)

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want". 

- Lao-tzu 

(This one may sound a little new-agey, but that's not my meaning. The point is that we often have the wisdom and resources we need to answer our questions, solve our problems, but we are too often afraid to realize this and we instead spend so much energy trying to find an outside answer. I believe we were created with everything we need- intelligence, compassion, the ability to have relationships, etc., and that we should stop being apathetic and use the power we have to do good in whatever ways we can. More on this later.)

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are" 

- Theodore Roosevelt. 

"...the trouble is, we don't know who we are instead" 

- Jars of Clay, Trouble Is

Who we are, what we are... life is about discovering, learning, changing, and being these things. The word "are" represents these ideas. 

The First

At the age of 23, I now have two things I've never had before- a blog, and a plan. This blog is the product of years of consideration and hesitation, having finally come to life after I matured enough to have the nerve to actually publish my thoughts and risk the ultimate humiliation of having my deepest ideas judged worthless by the public. My plan, on the other hand, seems to have been born suddenly in a moment of inspiration birthed from a lifetime of searching, questioning, and- as a GPS might put it- re-calculating my route over and over again. Which, of course, means that this plan is in no way permanent or certain. But it is the first time in my life I have ever had a long-term plan, and that is exciting. From the surface it probably appears somewhat boring- I am going back to school to obtain my BS in Biology (hoping to graduate in 2013). But I hope to eventually learn more and maybe do something wonderfully absurd, like cure cancer with immunotherapy or figure out something incredible about the human brain, like how to fix or prevent autism. Regardless of where the future leads, for now the plan mainly involves taking night classes in gen ed trying to gain admission and financial aid to a rather picky university that wouldn't accept some of my APU courses. What the future holds, I'll find out soon enough. If I've learned anything in the past 23 years of my life, it's that I should never be so prideful as to be certain. Inevitably, if I think I am absolutely beyond the chance of changing my mind or so knowledgeable that nothing could alter my view, at some point I will become aware of something that changes my view completely and renders everything I considered absolutely certain to be, at best, wishy washy and confusing. This isn't a bad thing- it just means that the human mind is capable of continuously learning and expanding and becoming better, and I shouldn't let my pride get in the way of that. But I also have to take everything I've learned thus far and hold tight to my beliefs and values, because all of the uncertainty has a way of making certain things even more certain, even if they are things you didn't consider certain before (if that make sense...). In short, I've learned to value the pure, real, interesting, and meaningful things in life so much more. And that life isn't worth living unless I am relentlessly striving to achieve my full potential as a person- which means finding balance and enjoying life while working hard to grow and learn every day. Thank you for taking the time to share my thoughts; feel free to leave a comment if you are so inclined. More coming soon!