Uncertainty

It always happens- life changes, choices are made, and whatever amount of stability I had managed to achieve in my life is quickly reduced into a blinding mass of uncertainty. I believe I made the right choice to leave my job; I know this job was not healthy for me and I was not helping anyone else, and that I can do more good and achieve my fuller potential somewhere else. But that knowledge still doesn't help with the uncertainty. Here I am, an adult with bills and responsibilities and the looming future of possibly producing offspring, and I'm going into 2011 unemployed by choice. The little voices in my head are arguing- "You are so irresponsible, you made a stupid decision, you're so needy and selfish. You should have been thankful you had a job instead of complaining about little things like injustice, illegal activity, and unfair treatment that millions of people around the world deal with every day." And the other voice replies: "But surely we weren't created to just endure misery and sit back when bad things happen to us; surely we are meant to take any action we can to make our lives better and to become the best people we can be. Settling for a bad situation isn't a good idea. Taking leaps of faith (using wisdom and risk evaluation) and trying to improve our situation is a good and constructive thing to do. Humanity would never grow, mature, learn, achieve success, or advance without people having these moments of uncertainty when they tried something new to gain a better future."  And on and on it goes in my mind. I try to be calm, to believe that somehow everything will work out like it has every other time I've faced this frightening blindness. But the fear is persistent; the "what if" 's won't stop. What if I can't find another job and we run out of savings? What if I get pregnant by accident and can't provide for the baby? What if my husband thinks I'm a bum because I quit my job? What if I never achieve the life I'm striving for? And all the other worries about life, even beyond my job situation. Like everyone else, I worry about money, the economy and future, my family, my relationships, my health, etc. But there is also balance- the logic that says I can't just spend all day worrying, and it's the holiday season so I need to relax and have fun and let whatever happens next year happen. So I've been doing my best, and though the worries are a constant buzz on the edge of my consciousness, I still have been able to enjoy this wonderful Christmas season with my friends and family, and I'm so thankful for all these precious moments and memories. This Monday the holidays will be over and I'll be thrust into that hazy cloud of a completely unknown future again. But maybe someday (hopefully someday soon), I'll be able to see a few steps ahead again- able to continue my plans to work, study, save, pay of debt, prepare for the future, and improve my lifestyle.  Fear is natural; peace is something that must be constantly reached for. So I just keep reaching for that peace; taking steps in the dark, keep hoping for a beam of sunlight to break through the clouds, keep being grateful for the joyous and bright moments in-between. And right now- before everything comes crashing back down to the reality of ruts, schedules, the lock-step of daily life- in this one weightless moment of pure potential, anything is possible. And that is an incredible feeling.

Random Confessions of an Overthinker

I am a skeptic. I doubt everything. I don't trust people. I'm afraid of the dark. I think angry thoughts too often. I judge people. I talk to myself. I used to try and know when I was dreaming, until I realized that I liked the dreamworld and I didn't want to know it was fake; now I treasure my moments in that alternate reality where I can be someone else. I am happy. I pretend to be stronger than I am; but I am strong. I like my life. My friends and family are the most important things in the world to me. I love my little brother more than anyone in the world. I hold on to offenses too long; when I get hurt, I remember.  I'm afraid of being hurt or betrayed again. Forgiveness is a difficult concept for me. I feel that doing the right thing isn't so hard and that more people should try harder at  it. I don't give to homeless people because I work for my money and they don't. When I see parents mistreating their children, it kills me and I want to yell at them. I wish manners and professionalism were still in style. I swear sometimes. I don't cry during movies, as a rule- but sometimes I get really choked up and try to hide it- because as cold as I try to feel sometimes, it really gets to me when I see someone crying. I'm lonely. I am determined to learn almost everything before I die so that I can understand how the world works and do something amazing. I miss my mom. I love it when the sky is bright blue and the trees look crisp and the world looks so real. Taking a walk makes me feel alive. I miss dancing (and choir) every single day. I wish I could afford to buy clothes and shoes more often than once a year, but I'm so glad I can pay my bills. I went to a shrink once but they just tried to label me and give me meds so I left and solved my own problems with common sense, which apparently they don't have. I want people to like me, at least a little. I think trees look like they are reaching for God, and it makes my achy inside sometimes when I see how far the sky is. Sand makes me feel alone. People fascinate and confuse me. Food is one of the best things in life. Certain smells make me remember things I forgot years ago. I've lied to preserve a friendship, and to hide my feelings, but I'm pretty honest otherwise. I wish someone understood me. I'm thankful for sleep every night, food every day, and deep, renewing breaths that help me find peace when I'm stressed.  And I write about myself too much!