The Inevitability of Suffering

We spend so much time trying to avoid pain- we are utterly obsessed with it! We have a very strong tendency to reject pain and evil, to avoid all types of suffering, to block it from our thoughts and fight with everything we are to not think about or feel it, to run and hide from any unpleasantness or horror or bad experience, and to surround ourselves with fun and comfort. We hope things will be better, pray for relief and peace, go into denial, stress ourselves out when we or those we love have to endure anything, and use a thousand other defenses against the hardness of life. But maybe this is like walking around begging the sun not to shine- are we wasting our time, frantically running from what always surrounds and saturates us? Life seems to consist of an incessant, omnipresent, and utterly mixed atmosphere of good and evil, pain and beauty, truth and lies. Nature is simultaneously gentle and harsh, people are wonderful and horrible, chance favors us about as often as it seems to attack us, and (for those with faith), God confuses as much as he comforts.

We desperately search for meaning in all of this pain and suffering, and those who believe in a God often think that he manipulates all forces to his will, and so we must be out of his favor when things go wrong, as humans have thought for thousands of years. Others believe we are pawns in a game much larger than ourselves, and that our suffering is simply collateral damage. Still others believe our sufferings to be part of a higher plan, and that we should trust that everything is for a reason, and that God ultimately has our best interests in mind. Regardless, even the Bible seems to indicate that God does not have-or does not practice- complete control over evil. For whatever reason, the devil was allowed to rebel, and the weeds were allowed to grow with the wheat, and God has not consistently (to my knowledge of history and scripture) made it a point to protect humans from all suffering. Religious or not, and whatever God’s reasons may or may not be, we are all faced with the inevitability of pain and suffering in our lifetimes

Our lives are utterly and intrinsically mixed, full of all things. Are our idealism and panicked attempts to shelter ourselves, perhaps, a bit childish? Would we find more peace if we simply accepted what has always been true- pain and evil are inevitable? Yes, human choice plays a role, and we can (and should) always try to be better people and push others to do the same (I am by no means saying that society should give up on critical quality-of-life improvements, justice, etc). But regarding our attitudes towards things we have no control over- the fear of pain, of death, wishing things would be perfect and trying to cushion ourselves from the realities of life- maybe this is just us, hiding our heads in the sand. Sometimes, life is NOT ok- and, just maybe, it’s ok to acknowledge that. We go around with big smiles on, telling others we’re fine, and idealizing (and idolizing) great and happy lives- all the while, often harboring bitterness or fear, because things are not perfect- never perfect. Maybe it would be more honest to accept our own suffering, rather than to dread and fear and stress about it. Life, at some point, becomes very ugly, messy, and broken- and no one on earth is excluded from it.

What would happen if we let go of the fear, frantic pleas for relief, avoidance and denial? Instead of praying for God to save us from any unpleasant experiences, what if we accepted these as the unavoidable ‘weeds’ in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13)? Perhaps we should pray for endurance, rather than relief. Could we become more honest and authentic people, with more sympathy for each other? Would we find ourselves stronger, fuller, and more resilient as we learn and come together and muddle through life with all of it’s thorns and shortfalls, rather than hiding in a shiny illusion of happiness? Perhaps a ‘raw’ soul is better than one hidden behind so many defenses and bulwarks. Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves or living in fear, could we live up to our full potential as humans- enduring and loving, suffering and dying, being fully alive in the midst of our horrible and beautiful lives? Would the truly wonderful and joyful moments become even more pure and lovely, because we could allow ourselves to acknowledge and accept the strange and stark contrasts between the pain and the beauty? Ultimately, maybe our attitude about suffering actually has more power than the suffering itself.

Note: This is not an accusation or a criticism of religion, people, or anything else; I speak for myself more than anyone else, as a desperately wishful thinker who hopes things never go wrong. I was wondering if there was an alternative to being either jaded and skeptical or naive and wishful, when this idea of acceptance suddenly struck me. I’m sure that many people more wise and knowledgeable than myself have considered this long before me, and have much more developed ideas on it. In fact, there are probably volumes dedicated to this line of thought in some or other philosophy, religion, or discipline, and I have merely stumbled upon the tip of a very old idea.

It's a Trap

I was happily editing a spreadsheet at work, and BAM- suddenly I was hit hard with the very unwelcome realization that my current life is one of the biggest threats I have ever faced. Here I sit, perfectly content, happy and comfortable- in fact, my life has never been better. I’ve never felt so good about waking up every morning and going to sleep every night. The old pressure to escape my situation, the anxiety of struggling, the long, empty, soul-searching days- those are just memories now, replaced by a new sort of fullness. But that fullness suddenly just looks like comfortable occupied-ness. I know that I know this- but I don’t have to admit it to myself. The voice that used to shout and nag me to move on (when I was in less pleasant circumstances) is now just a quiet whisper, a tiny twinge of knowing every now and then- I can do better. I could be more.

The fact that I am hearing this little voice scares me- not because I fear insanity, but because I am happy, and that voice threatens to make me move. I am safe here; I don’t worry about much, my days are busy and enjoyable, and I savor my life in my nice apartment with my steady job and paycheck. For the first time, my life seems stable. Shut up, voice; I like it here.

But I know as well as that voice does that this path doesn't lead anywhere. I've seen the future, and my answer is to close my eyes and look away. I won’t be like that. Yeah, right- how would I avoid it? ‘Safe Zone’ says the sign on my desk- more fitting than I realized. Safety has become a dangerous trap;  it is the only thing that may succeed in stopping me dead in my tracks.

Adventure is out there. OUT there; not in here, where I’m comfortable and safe, happy and entertained. Adventure doesn't come to those who sit comfortably. Adventure requires sacrifice and risk- two things I tend not to seek out.  

I can see clearly the three ‘potential lives’ I might have, and the idea of having to choose tortures me in my quiet moments:

1. The Happy Housewife, raising kids and tending a garden and cleaning our home, taking day trips to the park and the beach, joining mommy-and-me groups, pre-and post-natal yoga, changing diapers and wiping runny noses and baking pies at Christmas- simple and warm, but not particularly exciting or intellectually fulfilling;

2. The Office Lady, typing until arthritis stops me, knowing every detail of my job from having done it a thousand times, with a dusty and well-decorated desk and a worn in area on the floor where I sit, all day, every day, never going further than my chair can roll- safe, happy, and stuck in a well-traveled and un-challenging rut;

3. The Academic Go-Getter, spending my days with my nose buried in books and student loans, broke, fighting the boredom of academia while trying to retain my natural curiosity and learn a few useful tricks for the impending career/grad school search, which will turn into long days applying and then working, hoping to eventually find both a satisfying career and a good salary, and maybe, someday, more time to spend with my kids-oh, wait, I think I meant more time applying for a research grant (who has time for kids?!)- full of potential for accomplishment, and debt, and burn-out.

Right now I’m solidly on path #2; but is that my choice? Or have my paralysis and inability to choose put me here? That’s not how I want to go through life, making the easiest choices so I don’t have to do anything risky or uncomfortable. Or is it?

Sigh.

Afraid to move; afraid to stand still. My time here is limited- I don’t want to die with a life half-lived, having always been too terrified to actually make any decisions. But risks are so hard to take, and comfort is so addicting...

Impossible?

I was thinking today about accomplishing large goals, and realized that it is often more possible than it seems at first. We are capable of so much, but often get intimidated by the sheer scale of our dreams or ideas. Taking small steps, over and over, will eventually lead you to your goal. Consider the Pyramids or the Great Wall of China- incomprehensibly massive, yet they were built one brick at a time. Given enough time, effort, and proper planning, crazy ideas can be made into reality, monumental tasks can be accomplished, and the impossible can be endured.

When a task or goal seems overwhelming, try breaking it up into smaller, more manageable pieces. This will give an idea of what it will actually take to accomplish, and it may suddenly seem much more doable. Still seems overwhelming? Break it down again, and again, into the smallest possible fragments. Usually, these small bits are much less frightening and seem easier to tackle, and it puts everything in perspective. Can you run a marathon right now? Probably not. But can you do the first 20-minute practice session of a beginner's running/walking program? It's much more likely that you can handle this first small step. Then, in a few days, do it again, increasing your training in small increments. Keep it up for several weeks, then months. Learn to run for 30 seconds, 5 minutes, a full mile, then a 5K, 10K, half-marathon- and if you don't give up, next thing you know, 26.2 will be checked off your bucket list!

Another way to break things down is to try focusing on one moment. Instead of thinking about years, break it down to months, weeks, days, hours, seconds- right now, in this instant, what step(s) can you take towards your goal? Even if you feel like you could not possibly accomplish the whole task, you can almost definitely take that one small step. Overwhelmed by college? Just attend your next class, or write one more sentence in that paper. Feel like your diet is too hard? Skip just this one snack, chew some gum, get through this afternoon, or make one healthy substitution for your craving right now. Can't get through this workout? Take one more step, do one more rep. Then do it again- a few seconds of effort, and few seconds of rest. Dealing with pain? Focus on your breath, just this one inhale and exhale. Learning algebra? Get one problem done, get a good grasp on this one concept, and return to it tomorrow. Let the small victories give you a sense of joy and accomplishment- you are progressing towards your goal! Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.

But what happens when you come to a piece that cannot be broken down any more, and is seemingly impossible to overcome? Your muscles give out, you have a mental breakdown, your get an 'F', or find yourself backtracking; when this happens, find out why. Can you take a break or try again? What would it take to overcome that one thing? Is it something within your control (i.e. willpower), or outside of it (i.e. physical impossibility, other's choices, lack of funding). If the latter, can you take any steps to influence the outcome, such as getting help/advice from an outside party, modifying your approach, fundraising, practicing, waiting, etc? Sometimes obstacles can still be overcome, but it may take more strategizing to solve the tougher problems.

But it's also not helpful to be unrealistically optimistic- some things truly are impossible. When all else has failed and you absolutely cannot take one more step towards your goal, then the time comes to make a choice about whether this goal is still worth pursuing. Sometimes this will involve asking for input from others, modifying your goal, or even abandoning it all together and mourning the loss of your plans. Even then, keep your head up- failure is not the end, and with some hope and resilience, you can form a new plan. Though it may not be your original goal, you can still accomplish something great- and sometimes, unplanned changes lead to even more spectacular results.

Remember: You are stronger than you think you are, and there is always hope.

Reawakening

When I was a child, I went to visit my grandmother and her husband. They had a koi fish pond in the back yard, and I loved to watch the big, slow fish wiggle and glide in the shimmery water. I stood there mesmerized as my grandmother’s husband told me story of one winter when it had been especially cold, and the top of the pond had frozen over. The fish moved slower and slower under the ice; everyone thought they would die. But when spring finally came and the ice thawed, there were the fish, just swimming along as if nothing had happened. I was amazed at the casual resiliency shown by these creatures; they nearly froze, and yet they just... went on.

Recently, I’ve thought back on the fish story because I’ve noticed some things in my life- some aspects of myself- that seem to be like these fish. It’s strange how things within us can freeze and reawaken, years later, as if no time has passed at all. A passion, habit, thought, or discipline that I’ve forgotten about will stir; something I thought was long since dead. Suddenly, it’s as if no time has passed, and this aspect of myself is back; brand new, and yet so familiar. And I’m reminded that some things never truly die. Even when I think I know myself, there can still be things buried deep, hibernating beneath the ice, that may return even when I don’t expect it. Of course, this can be both a good and a bad thing; a pleasant surprise reminding me of the strength of my still-beating heart, or a sharp pain from a wound I had thought healed. Regardless, these things help me remember that I am alive and not stagnant. Even as we grow, move on, and learn, our past still intertwines with our present to create a fuller, multi-dimensional version of ourselves, thus preventing our souls from becoming atrophied and dormant. I will try to embrace these happenings as they occur- the good memories as comfort, and the painful ones as reminders that old wounds still need care and healing rather than avoidance.

Coping Solutions

I posted recently about stress, and since then I have been trying to focus on ways to cope with stress. I have found some wonderful ideas that help me a lot. Here are a few things I have found that work for me:

- Pause in the moment, no matter where you are or how busy or stressed you are, and take your view and mind away from whatever you are focusing on. Look at the sky or the wall or down the hall, and let your mind 'let go' just for a moment. Take a breath and let your body release- be right there, in the moment, and allow yourself to see something peaceful or beautiful around you. Realize that you ARE, and you are OK, and you are allowed to take a break and breathe. Change your focus- remind yourself of something positive about yourself, your situation, the world, or that day. Re-center, and go back to your task with peace and clarity. You can do this anytime it's needed, as often as you want- it's wonderful!

- Exercise- yoga, running, whatever works for you. It boosts your immune system, lets you think, works stiff and stressed muscles, strengthens your heart, clears your mind, and helps your body rid harmful toxins.

- Stretch! Take 30 seconds to reach your arms up to the sky, down to your toes, side to side, roll your shoulders, arch/bend your back, and release all that muscle tension that you've been holding.

- Make a cup of hot tea/cocoa/coffee/etc. Hold it and feel the warmth; take a deep breath and smell it. Allow the warmth and smell to relax you. Do this every time before you sip; savor the warm sensation and taste.

- Find inspiration and comfort in your faith- read scripture, meditate, pray, etc.

- Spend time with a supportive group of friends or family who help you find your perspective and make you feel good about life

- Do something shallow and fun- let yourself be a child again, make yourself pretty, read a silly book/website, play a game, etc- it's ok to be shallow, sometimes the brain needs a break!

- Remember that the world will keep spinning if you take a break. Pause, take a day off, postpone an event, don't show up to something; incredible, life goes on! If you absolutely must do something that is essential (Prioritize! What will happen if you don't or if you wait, really?), try to make a plan to do it by a certain time or day, and then schedule some time to relax afterwards so you can have that to look forward to.

- Find joy in between- walking to the restroom, driving in the car, taking a shower- in these moments, you are alone and have no obligations other than to just BE. Enjoy these moments, take peace in these mini-breaks every day

- Write a note of encouragement to someone else who's struggling or in pain- it will help take your focus off yourself and really does make you feel better and stronger

- Escape- listen to your favorite music, get a favorite food, play a game on your phone for 5 minutes, go hide in the bathroom for a while, etc.

- Read inspirational quotes/books/devotions, etc to get some perspective on life and see how others have dealt with stressful times.

- Work to find practical  responses to what stresses you. Many 'stressors' can be serious things that are worth stressing about, like legitimate problems with health/money/family/etc. The internet is a great resource for looking up helpful information and potential solutions, and sometimes friends or family can offer good advice (But avoid people who stress you out more). Focus on finding the solution, rather than being miserable about the problem. Use your energy to fix the problem, instead of worrying and being dragged down by it. Find confidence- you CAN do this, you WILL make it through.

- Finish one task you've been working on, then celebrate your accomplishment!

- Have a peaceful ritual at least once per day. Bedtime is the best- get ready for bed 15-30 min. early, then take the time to sit, contemplate, process the day, write, read, etc.

- Get help if you need it! There is no shame in needing advice, counseling, even meds. Get medical/psychological help if necessary.

- Remember: the world will NOT end if you just stop for a few minutes or a day, or even longer. It's better to approach your life after you are strong, rested, and prepared to tackle the tough stuff, rather than avoiding a break until you are running on empty and doing everything in a less-than-ideal way. Example: If you are operating at 50% for 10 days (probably more like 25% as time passes without a break), you'll get the same amount done if you take 5 days off and then work at 100% for 5 days.

Those are my coping mechanisms... If you are looking for help managing stress, I hope I've provided some useful ideas. If you have other ideas or methods you use to cope, I'd love to hear them- please share in the comments! :)

Disaster?

I used to wonder why the thought of disasters excited me. Now, don't worry, I'm not some sort of psychopath or sadist- I get no pleasure from other's pain, and in fact I find it very difficult to endure the thought of so many people who suffer daily around the world. However, when I thought about a disaster happening, it would always bring some small sense of hope or excitement as I contemplated an unexpected break in the normal flow of life. I think I've finally realized why; disasters, even small ones, snap us out of our daily routine- they open our glazed over eyes and yank us out of our ruts, forcing us to look at things in a new way. Have you ever noticed that when something bad happens, people start to speak to each other again? Most of us go day to day barely talking to those we see around us, but when disaster strikes, suddenly everyone wants to communicate and help out. People start looking each other in the eyes, asking questions, coming alongside in solidarity with those who need it. Disasters break down social barriers, forcing us to see each other and acknowledge our shared humanity. We instinctively want to pool our resources and knowledge to help those affected, and we are brought together. It reminds us that we are all part of the same group- money, clothes, and politics aside, we are all human and vulnerable and need each other. Disaster can take us out of our sterile, busy lives and throw us into the dirty business of working together to solve a problem. I believe that this attitude of instinctive unity which arises out of necessity is what birthed some of the greatest changes in history. It doesn't have to be a sudden disaster- any situation in which normal protections are gone and survival becomes essential can bring about this attitude.

Disasters are still terrible things, but I am grateful that some good can come from our troubles, and that (despite some appearances to the contrary) we are still human beings who care for one another. Oliver Wendell Holmes said this:

       "If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle    
         it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say, meet it as a friend, for
         you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it."

Now, of course that applies differently to individual troubles than to massive disasters, but the point is that bad things are not all bad- they teach us something, about ourselves and about others. We learn that we have the capacity to be more and better and stronger, and more unified, than perhaps we ever knew.

Frantic (Stress Management)

It has suddenly dawned on me that my mind is in a nearly constant state of frantic stress, even when my body is at rest. This must stop, because it causes me to feel tense and tired all the time, is not beneficial to my health, and honestly probably does not actually increase my efficiency very much due to the increased mental strain. It also makes it more difficult to be loving or helpful to anyone else. Worry is not worth sacrificing well-being; I need to find a better coping mechanism. I think a good plan would be have a regular time-out, a peaceful time/place which will, over time, allow and teach my mind to be at ease. Hopefully this will lead to clearer thinking, increased health, and a better ability to be kind, productive, and peaceful. Solutions that come to mind include yoga, meditation, and some sort of outdoor activity such as hiking. The problem will be in the execution; the very mental activity which I seek to alleviate is what will attempt to stop me from relieving it. I always feel an obligation to be working, thinking, doing, worrying- it's almost obsessive, partnered with the guilt I feel when I pause. It's ironic, how I surround myself with things that remind me of this ideal yet seemingly unattainable lifestyle: calming photos of nature on every screen in my view, zen calendars, mediation books & quotes, etc etc., and yet every day slip deeper back into the clutches of stress. My waking peaceful moments are filled with worry, my dreams play out worst-case-scenarios, and I lay awake contemplating disturbing thoughts. Of course, things must be dealt with- work must be done, strategies considered, action taken. But the mind needs rest, and peace is an important part of work. Mental rest gives energy to the mind as sleep energizes the body, and restorative mental activities are like nutrition to a starving mind. Anyway, all that poetry-sounding stuff aside, I need to find a practical, do-able way to de-stress and center myself daily or weekly. Now, I just have to keep myself from stressing about how hard it might be to find a time/way to de-stress...it's a vicious cycle.