Uncertainty

It always happens- life changes, choices are made, and whatever amount of stability I had managed to achieve in my life is quickly reduced into a blinding mass of uncertainty. I believe I made the right choice to leave my job; I know this job was not healthy for me and I was not helping anyone else, and that I can do more good and achieve my fuller potential somewhere else. But that knowledge still doesn't help with the uncertainty. Here I am, an adult with bills and responsibilities and the looming future of possibly producing offspring, and I'm going into 2011 unemployed by choice. The little voices in my head are arguing- "You are so irresponsible, you made a stupid decision, you're so needy and selfish. You should have been thankful you had a job instead of complaining about little things like injustice, illegal activity, and unfair treatment that millions of people around the world deal with every day." And the other voice replies: "But surely we weren't created to just endure misery and sit back when bad things happen to us; surely we are meant to take any action we can to make our lives better and to become the best people we can be. Settling for a bad situation isn't a good idea. Taking leaps of faith (using wisdom and risk evaluation) and trying to improve our situation is a good and constructive thing to do. Humanity would never grow, mature, learn, achieve success, or advance without people having these moments of uncertainty when they tried something new to gain a better future."  And on and on it goes in my mind. I try to be calm, to believe that somehow everything will work out like it has every other time I've faced this frightening blindness. But the fear is persistent; the "what if" 's won't stop. What if I can't find another job and we run out of savings? What if I get pregnant by accident and can't provide for the baby? What if my husband thinks I'm a bum because I quit my job? What if I never achieve the life I'm striving for? And all the other worries about life, even beyond my job situation. Like everyone else, I worry about money, the economy and future, my family, my relationships, my health, etc. But there is also balance- the logic that says I can't just spend all day worrying, and it's the holiday season so I need to relax and have fun and let whatever happens next year happen. So I've been doing my best, and though the worries are a constant buzz on the edge of my consciousness, I still have been able to enjoy this wonderful Christmas season with my friends and family, and I'm so thankful for all these precious moments and memories. This Monday the holidays will be over and I'll be thrust into that hazy cloud of a completely unknown future again. But maybe someday (hopefully someday soon), I'll be able to see a few steps ahead again- able to continue my plans to work, study, save, pay of debt, prepare for the future, and improve my lifestyle.  Fear is natural; peace is something that must be constantly reached for. So I just keep reaching for that peace; taking steps in the dark, keep hoping for a beam of sunlight to break through the clouds, keep being grateful for the joyous and bright moments in-between. And right now- before everything comes crashing back down to the reality of ruts, schedules, the lock-step of daily life- in this one weightless moment of pure potential, anything is possible. And that is an incredible feeling.