2-14-11 Unwillingly
Today I don’t want to. I didn’t want to get up, and so I laid there for two hours before dragging myself, unwillingly, out of bed. I unwillingly made breakfast and unwillingly shoved it down my throat, and now I’m unwillingly fulfilling my obligations to the day. The job search websites seem to be mocking me; it seems a cruel dependency, the way I return to them day after day even though all I get back are junk mail and rejection letters. It’s psychologically unhealthy to keep going back to something that only hurts you , and yet here I am, unwillingly, skimming the postings once again, sure to find some lovely company who would gladly and mercilessly dash my hopes yet again. Every time I look at the calendar or the budget, it’s a brutal reminder that I’m failing.
I’ll unwillingly SIT here all day long, lonely and bored, wishing anyone cared and wishing I was good for something. I’ll unwillingly do the laundry and the dishes and water the grass and take out the trash and exercise, and go to dinner tonight pretending ironically that today carries some magical ‘extra romance’ that other days are lacking. I’ll unwillingly wait all day like a stupid puppy for my phone to ring with some good news, some hope of a future, and it won’t even though I turn it all the way up and set it in the one spot in the house where I have several bars of reception. I’ll pathetically get excited every day around noon when the mail comes, thinking that somehow my redemption will appear in an envelope there, though in my entire life it never has. Tomorrow I’ll feel guilty and worthless as I drag my unwilling husband to eat small portions of crappy food at a free apartment dinner with people we don’t know- basically charity food, necessary because of MY lack of income.
I’ll wonder if these feelings are legitimate, or if I’m just ‘chemically unbalanced’ through some fault of my own, like going off birth control or eating ice cream before bed or sleeping too much. Or if I’m just not strong enough or willing enough to control myself, to force away these feelings.
But today I don’t want to try. I just want to be free; want the answers to come; want someone to be interested. I’m sick of being the strong one, making so much effort to control everything in my life so it’s perfect, trying to be perfect, using everything I have just to appear strong and to feel invincible. I just want to let go, want someone else to be strong and perfect for once so I can just be, and stop trying to hide the weaknesses. I want to be safe enough to be weak; trust someone enough to let go. But waking up every day is a harsh slap in the face- I’m not safe; I don’t trust; and I cannot ever be weak- that would be giving up, that would be losing the battle, that would mean it was all over and done and I failed. I have to wake up, to keep working, to be the strong one and keep trying to make it perfect. I just wish the moments in between weren’t quite so long and painful, not quite so reminding of what I’ve tried to forget.
You, my dear, are one of the strongest people I have ever met.
ReplyDeleteYour strenth is present even in your the moments you deem weak because you care enough to acknowledge it and be concerned about how it may affect others and yourself.
Your experience is valid, a reality. I say "experience" instead of "feelings" because it is not just "how you feel"- that somehow demotes it to something that can be controlled. It is a reality made up of many things including circumstance, history, stress, and pain. There is nothing weak about you just because you encounter these things, and when they are compounded, feel weak or drained or apathetic or depressed. You face them even when you do not have support or energy or hope. When you get up despite all this, you are your strongest. So many give up. And while you yearn to give up at times (which is fully valid and no sign of weakness), still you do not. I am incredibly proud of you, Victorya, and all that you have become and continue to choose to be everyday (and that weighs so much more because everday is hard).
You are most beautiful and incredibly strong and I admire you.
May you feel warmth and encouragement and affirmation that you truly are a Wonder.