Good Enough

Having suddenly found myself in a situation where I could be content, I face a dilemma. I feel that I have the ability to be happy living this life; the simplicity and honesty of my new job, and tutoring on the side. At first the situation seems ideal (if it could be affordable financially); however, I never seem content to just let things be as they are on the surface. Immediately after the moment when I realized that I could be content living like this long-term, a strong thought insisted on pushing to the front of my mind: Is this good enough?

All of my life, I've planned to do 'big' things. I want to make a difference in the world. Be it globe-hopping as a missionary, adopting a poor child from Africa, fighting for justice and freedom in politics, or becoming a brilliant biologist searching for a cure to cancer or autism, I always have assumed that my life was meant to accomplish something important- something BIG. Why else would I exist? If I was just going to piddle away my days with useless and monotonous activities, what would be the point? As easy as it might be to just live a 'normal' life, I couldn't see myself doing that because I've always felt an insatiable push to work towards something more. Maybe it's from being told I was special by a few people as a child, or maybe I suffer from delusions of grandeur, but either way I've never been content with my life. I've always felt an absolutely insistent obligation to 'be' something more. What, exactly, I've never been sure of, and thus have ensued many, many hours and days of frustrated soul-searching.

But then there come these moments when, suddenly, my soul takes a breath and says "We could just rest here, you know. You could just live, day by day, being happy and doing good in small amounts- working a normal job, having normal friends, living life in the normal progression like most people do." And a part of me sighs, and says "Yes, that would be nice; rather lovely and peaceful, actually." But another part of me cries out, "You can't do that! You can't just abandon your entire life purpose just so you can rest and be lazy and live a 'normal' life! You weren't born to rest and relax, you were born to do something great and that means struggle and sacrifice and always striving for something MORE."

So the question remains: How much good is enough? I can certainly do good regardless of my path in life; daily interactions, relationships, charities, volunteering, spreading awareness, helping friends & family- there are many opportunities to spread love within my circle, and I will always try to do at least that much. But, is that enough??? If I never did anything BIG; never even tried- would my life still be worth something? Would I be a lazy, status-quo person? Would the small goods add up to be enough for my life to be satisfactory at the end? How could I justify that kind of attitude, just living my life as it came? I suppose there is always the possibility of something big just coming along in my path, but he chances of that seem slim, and the question of the worth-whileness of my own life is one of the biggest ones I will ever have to answer.

So I ponder these things as I think about the future; as I enjoy my long-awaited good working days and new experiences, as I contemplate having children one day, as I wonder how to properly have relationships, and as I struggle with my other inner battles and thoughts. What is the most good I can do; and am I obligated to accomplish that exact amount? How is good measured, anyway? Ultimately, when it comes down to it, is my life good enough?