Frantic (Stress Management)

It has suddenly dawned on me that my mind is in a nearly constant state of frantic stress, even when my body is at rest. This must stop, because it causes me to feel tense and tired all the time, is not beneficial to my health, and honestly probably does not actually increase my efficiency very much due to the increased mental strain. It also makes it more difficult to be loving or helpful to anyone else. Worry is not worth sacrificing well-being; I need to find a better coping mechanism. I think a good plan would be have a regular time-out, a peaceful time/place which will, over time, allow and teach my mind to be at ease. Hopefully this will lead to clearer thinking, increased health, and a better ability to be kind, productive, and peaceful. Solutions that come to mind include yoga, meditation, and some sort of outdoor activity such as hiking. The problem will be in the execution; the very mental activity which I seek to alleviate is what will attempt to stop me from relieving it. I always feel an obligation to be working, thinking, doing, worrying- it's almost obsessive, partnered with the guilt I feel when I pause. It's ironic, how I surround myself with things that remind me of this ideal yet seemingly unattainable lifestyle: calming photos of nature on every screen in my view, zen calendars, mediation books & quotes, etc etc., and yet every day slip deeper back into the clutches of stress. My waking peaceful moments are filled with worry, my dreams play out worst-case-scenarios, and I lay awake contemplating disturbing thoughts. Of course, things must be dealt with- work must be done, strategies considered, action taken. But the mind needs rest, and peace is an important part of work. Mental rest gives energy to the mind as sleep energizes the body, and restorative mental activities are like nutrition to a starving mind. Anyway, all that poetry-sounding stuff aside, I need to find a practical, do-able way to de-stress and center myself daily or weekly. Now, I just have to keep myself from stressing about how hard it might be to find a time/way to de-stress...it's a vicious cycle.

Why?

I don't understand why everything has to be so hard, so painful. So much suffering... when is it enough? Even when everything else is ok, the sharp pain in the depths of my heart won't let me forget that things will never be quite ok, and it's not going to end. The pain has no limit, no end in sight, for all of us. Everything we do, all the effort and heartache and struggle and fight- all it can do is make things just slightly better for a while, but nothing will ever be fixed. Every day the wounds are reopened, the pain refreshed, and our hearts reminded that the damage is permanent.

How could you do this to us, to those I love? I don't think I can ever forgive you...

My only hope is that maybe, someday, after everything is over and done, just maybe all the pain will be erased and the wounds healed and the years forgotten. Someday when it's all over...

Why?

Comfort & Joy

I'm tired. Tired of warm days and bright orange and never-ending events. As much as I absolutely love it all, I'm so ready for break- I can't wait to see my family, to rest and celebrate and just be together. The idea of having 11 days in a row with no alarm clock, no emails, no making lunches or fighting traffic, no stressing about not having time to work out... just rest and joy in having one more Christmas together. I'm ready for a break from the smog and thoughts and learning so many new things, and ready to go back to a place that has barely changed, but that looks so different to me because I have changed greatly. I am thankful for a comfort and joy greater than I ever expected, and I wish peace would find those who suffer this season. May your Christmas be merry and bright!

Broken

So many encounters with so many broken things- everywhere I meet people with broken lives. People gone utterly wrong by selfishness, anger, greed, hurt, and people treating each other in unthinkable ways. I don't understand, but I've realized that it's shockingly common.

The stark and bitter reality is that most people have been effected by cruelty, often from within their own family. This is the opposite of how it should be; families are meant to be built on love, support, and caring. Instead, some of the most dysfunctional relationships int he world are between families who somehow turn on each other. But the phenomenon of cruelty is not limited to families; the world is full of people who stand in roles that should embody leadership, compassion, wisdom, and consideration for others. Yet those who hold these great, heavy, responsibilities can somehow choose to not care, and they use their authority to be selfish, to create pain and harm and damage. Whatever the reason, people choose evil, and abandon their responsibility- spitting on the beautiful gift they received when they were given the ability to choose.

It is utterly incomprehensible to me that people with such power for good (parents, teachers, politicians, pastors, etc) would ever choose anything so obviously damaging to those they are called to take care of. Things like abuse, sex trafficking, abandoned/unloved children, disabled people who are denied the care they need, and even those who shirk their responsibility to the world by advancing harm in their businesses and organizations- how can this happen? I feel like a child sometimes, so completely confounded by a world gone so wrong. I know none of us are perfect; but making mistakes and having selfish moments is still a far cry from the outright and utter abuses and cruelty and heartlessness that abound today. I do not think this is a new phenomenon; any study of history will show that people have always had an incredible capacity for cruelty. Humans are amazingly powerful- capable of mind-boggling harm and also of powerful and renewing good. Yet so many have chosen harm...

Why are we so broken?

But in the midst of it we also find  a few amazing examples of love, compassion, and caring; leaders working for justice, and people showing incredible strength and sacrifice as they fight for goodness. Therein lies hope.  Surely we are meant to work together towards a better world- building instead of damaging, improving instead of destroying, and joining together instead of tearing apart. Isn't this the ultimate goal of humanity- perhaps the purpose for which we were created? We cannot demonstrate Gods' glory in division, selfishness, and harm. How can the evil be conquered; how can love be spread so that it can be made more powerful a force in this wicked world than cruelty? Can corruption be conquered?

I don't have the answers; all I know is that each of us must do everything in our power to show kindness, fight for justice, spread good, seek out wisdom, genuinely love others, and treat people as the incredibly valuable creatures that they- are we- are.

Graduation

"Life, we learn too late, is in the living- the tissue of every day and hour. " - Stephen Leacock

"Every man dies; not every man really lives" - William Wallace

"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; life live to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think. - Horace (Ancient Roman Poet)

"As long as you live, keep learning how to live" - Seneca

It's that time of year again, when thousands of people make the transition from high school to college, or from college to career. For some reason I've been thinking a lot about graduation speeches, and how cheesy they often are. So, naturally I started to wonder what I would say if I ever had the occasion to speak at a graduation. Of course it's a purely hypothetical exercise (since it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever speak at any event, much less a graduation), but it was fun to think about. This is just an outline of a few points of advice that I would offer to graduating students, and thought it might be fun to share them here. If you want to indulge me as I get on my soapbox and offer the wisdom I've gathered from my 23 long years, read on. 

My thoughts for grads:

Be proud that you have accomplished something great, but also remember this is by far not the greatest thing you will achieve. Treasure the fun you had, the friendships you made, and the learning you did- and then move on excitedly to the next stage in life. Don't be saddened by the loss of this part of life, or afraid to let go- more and better experiences are ahead! There are many, many more years and adventures to come, and this was but a small portion of your life. Looking back, memories of school will dim in importance to the multitude of new experiences and relationships you will have throughout life. 

Dreams are good and important; however, don't let your life become so focused on a dream that you forget to live your life. Someone once said "Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans". Time goes fast- enjoy life and make the most of every moment! 

Life will almost certainly be different than you planned. Learn to roll with it; yes, it's important to have goals and plans and dedication, but despite all that sometimes life will simply push you onto a different course. Don't let it upset you too much; instead, be glad for the unexpected adventure. Accept that change is inevitable and learn from the surprises along the way. It's ok to let go of some dreams and embrace different ones. But remember that you always have a choice- even when life throws you a curve, you can decide how to react and what to do next. Use these experiences to gather knowledge and strength to stay on the paths that are important to you. 

Be responsible and remember that every choice you make will effect your future, whether tomorrow or in several years. Maintain your health, finances, resume, reputation, and relationships in good standing as much as possible- it will be worth it. There's almost always a tomorrow, and rash decisions will come back to bite you sooner or later. 

Life can be very harsh. Sometimes we are a little 'protected' in high school and college, with a buffer of parents, teachers, etc which can insulate us from some parts of reality. Graduation can mean the loss of this buffer (either gradually or suddenly), and the world may at first appear cruel and unforgiving. Always remember to focus on the good and bright things (they are always somewhere to be found),  and work towards a better world in small ways in your everyday life, rather than feeling hopeless or defeated by evil.

Sometimes, wisdom can mean changing your mind. Don't condemn yourself (or others) when you realize how much people change over the years. Wisdom comes from growing and changing and learning continuously; avoid stagnancy, stay humble, and remember that no matter how confident or learned you are, you will never know it all. Remember that you didn't always have the knowledge you have know, and that you don't have the knowledge now that you will one day have. Show acceptance and mercy to others who see things differently or are in a different stage of the journey than you are. This will bring joy to your relationships and exercise your mind constantly. 

Speaking of relationships, they change too, and that's ok- but don't let them become cheap to you. Relationships are one of the most valuable things in life, and probably the most enduring. Friendships, family, romance , faith, and the interactions and overlapping of them will form your most precious memories. Faith is strengthened by a loving and supportive community. Friendships are made stronger by sharing your faith together. Romance is strengthened by supportive friendships and exercising your faith as a couple. Family bonds deepen when supported and guided by faith and caring friendships. 

Find joy in the small things. Treasure perfect moments, and in bad times remember that those good moments will always come again. Escape the craziness sometimes and center yourself, finding peace and remembering your values and your value. Let good memories bring you joy and find strength in love rather than hatred. Make a difference by choosing good in your daily life; small things matter as much as big things (and most big things are made up of lots of small ones anyway).

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." - Albert Einstein

A New Perspective

I went to church today. I haven't visited a church in a long time, for many reasons that I won't get in to right now.   This church was a different experience, and it was refreshing. Talking afterwards, I realized something about myself that made me able to see from a new perspective.

In general, when I hear hear a sermon/study/lesson/etc, there are certain things that bother me immediately which I get stuck thinking about- most often what is being inferred about the nature of God, and whether or not the story/idea is realistic. For instance, today we read the book of Jonah and discussed the story. My first thoughts were cynical; why would a loving God threaten all the sailor's lives with a storm when only Jonah had sinned? Why would God punish Jonah for disobeying anyway- what kind of free will is that? Besides, plants don't grow tall enough to shade someone in a few hours, and people cannot survive living inside of sea creatures, and taking this particular story literally (as most Christians do) bothers me because of these types of issues.

Anyway, these types of thoughts usually upset me so much that I gain nothing from the study other than frustration. And they are important issues that need to be thought about and discussed, at the appropriate time and place. But obviously these types of side-tracking, huge theological issues cannot really be discussed in any helpful way by a group trying to do a 1-hour or less study, and to some extent stories need to be taken at face value just to make an orderly discussion possible. So I asked myself, "If I  temporarily suspend my disbelief and questions regarding big issues, and for now just focus on the point of the story, what would I learn?". This was a revelation that allowed me think in a more helpful and clear way. In this moment, what can I learn by focusing on the point and waiting to think about the other side issues?

With the story of Jonah, what can I learn with this new perspective? Initially it seems to be a story about disobedience, the moral being that it's not a good idea to disobey God. But upon further consideration, I don't think that's really it, as God showed Jonah mercy and the story did not point to Jonah's horrible punishment or anything like that. Instead, it seems to be a story about God's love and mercy. Jonah finally gave in, thinking he would go to Ninevah and preach pointlessly just to watch the rebellious people reject his message and God's judgement come down on them. Instead, these people that he knew as evil and possibly cruel were shown mercy, and he was devastated and angry with God. And God basically says to him that it's not Jonah's say who gets mercy and who doesn't- that God has the right to show mercy to whomever, however he chooses.

In this story, we see that God's mercy and compassion are far greater than our own, apparently sometimes even beyond our comprehension. That seems to be the lesson of Jonah, as far as I can tell, which is interesting and worth considering. I hope to take this new perspective with me into future situations, so that I can be more constructive instead of cynical with my learning.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days when the world seems foreign, and no place feels like home. It's not really a sad feeling- just one of isolation or difference, as if I am looking out at the world through a little window from a quiet place inside myself where no one else is. From that perspective, everything seems rather strange and overwhelming. It's as if I don't belong anywhere- nothing is familiar and it seems like I have to use all of my energy to act natural, as if I understand all of the craziness around me.

But on days like this I'm inwardly tired, and I'd rather just observe everything calmly as it rushes around me in its noisy, frantic confusion. Sure, it's all very interesting and not necessarily objectionable, but sometimes I think it's ok to step back and not be a part of it. Sometimes I am just my very small self in my little world- I look out and acknowledge that I live and belong inside here, while out there I am only an alien pretending to comprehend it all. In my dreams, my "world" takes on a vividly visual nature, but when I'm awake it is reduced to a quiet feeling, like a persistent tugging at my consciousness.

The great big confusing 'real' world is an assault on my senses, and I want to go home where I am comfortable and safe. But home doesn't exist, because everywhere I go I am the newcomer, the foreigner. It's as if I was born on the wrong planet, and I left home so long ago that I can't remember where it is or how to find my way back. Actually, I think a place can only remain 'home' if you are there- so the fact that I haven't been there for so long means that it wouldn't even be home anymore, even if I did manage get there somehow.

I suppose that life is destined to be a wandering journey as I try to make sense of it all and figure out what the heck I'm doing here. I guess we're all born into that same situation, really, but each person seems to adjust differently for whatever reasons (be it nature, nurture, a combination of the two, or something else entirely). At least I am blessed enough to return to my dreams each night in a blissful respite from the exhausting and confusing real world.

Honestly, I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone else. I suppose my mind is odd and my perspective too, so these silly little thoughts and feelings probably seem muddled and meaningless to anyone reading them. But this is the mind I live in, and I thought it was worth explaining this part of it, at least once.