Coping Solutions

I posted recently about stress, and since then I have been trying to focus on ways to cope with stress. I have found some wonderful ideas that help me a lot. Here are a few things I have found that work for me:

- Pause in the moment, no matter where you are or how busy or stressed you are, and take your view and mind away from whatever you are focusing on. Look at the sky or the wall or down the hall, and let your mind 'let go' just for a moment. Take a breath and let your body release- be right there, in the moment, and allow yourself to see something peaceful or beautiful around you. Realize that you ARE, and you are OK, and you are allowed to take a break and breathe. Change your focus- remind yourself of something positive about yourself, your situation, the world, or that day. Re-center, and go back to your task with peace and clarity. You can do this anytime it's needed, as often as you want- it's wonderful!

- Exercise- yoga, running, whatever works for you. It boosts your immune system, lets you think, works stiff and stressed muscles, strengthens your heart, clears your mind, and helps your body rid harmful toxins.

- Stretch! Take 30 seconds to reach your arms up to the sky, down to your toes, side to side, roll your shoulders, arch/bend your back, and release all that muscle tension that you've been holding.

- Make a cup of hot tea/cocoa/coffee/etc. Hold it and feel the warmth; take a deep breath and smell it. Allow the warmth and smell to relax you. Do this every time before you sip; savor the warm sensation and taste.

- Find inspiration and comfort in your faith- read scripture, meditate, pray, etc.

- Spend time with a supportive group of friends or family who help you find your perspective and make you feel good about life

- Do something shallow and fun- let yourself be a child again, make yourself pretty, read a silly book/website, play a game, etc- it's ok to be shallow, sometimes the brain needs a break!

- Remember that the world will keep spinning if you take a break. Pause, take a day off, postpone an event, don't show up to something; incredible, life goes on! If you absolutely must do something that is essential (Prioritize! What will happen if you don't or if you wait, really?), try to make a plan to do it by a certain time or day, and then schedule some time to relax afterwards so you can have that to look forward to.

- Find joy in between- walking to the restroom, driving in the car, taking a shower- in these moments, you are alone and have no obligations other than to just BE. Enjoy these moments, take peace in these mini-breaks every day

- Write a note of encouragement to someone else who's struggling or in pain- it will help take your focus off yourself and really does make you feel better and stronger

- Escape- listen to your favorite music, get a favorite food, play a game on your phone for 5 minutes, go hide in the bathroom for a while, etc.

- Read inspirational quotes/books/devotions, etc to get some perspective on life and see how others have dealt with stressful times.

- Work to find practical  responses to what stresses you. Many 'stressors' can be serious things that are worth stressing about, like legitimate problems with health/money/family/etc. The internet is a great resource for looking up helpful information and potential solutions, and sometimes friends or family can offer good advice (But avoid people who stress you out more). Focus on finding the solution, rather than being miserable about the problem. Use your energy to fix the problem, instead of worrying and being dragged down by it. Find confidence- you CAN do this, you WILL make it through.

- Finish one task you've been working on, then celebrate your accomplishment!

- Have a peaceful ritual at least once per day. Bedtime is the best- get ready for bed 15-30 min. early, then take the time to sit, contemplate, process the day, write, read, etc.

- Get help if you need it! There is no shame in needing advice, counseling, even meds. Get medical/psychological help if necessary.

- Remember: the world will NOT end if you just stop for a few minutes or a day, or even longer. It's better to approach your life after you are strong, rested, and prepared to tackle the tough stuff, rather than avoiding a break until you are running on empty and doing everything in a less-than-ideal way. Example: If you are operating at 50% for 10 days (probably more like 25% as time passes without a break), you'll get the same amount done if you take 5 days off and then work at 100% for 5 days.

Those are my coping mechanisms... If you are looking for help managing stress, I hope I've provided some useful ideas. If you have other ideas or methods you use to cope, I'd love to hear them- please share in the comments! :)

Disaster?

I used to wonder why the thought of disasters excited me. Now, don't worry, I'm not some sort of psychopath or sadist- I get no pleasure from other's pain, and in fact I find it very difficult to endure the thought of so many people who suffer daily around the world. However, when I thought about a disaster happening, it would always bring some small sense of hope or excitement as I contemplated an unexpected break in the normal flow of life. I think I've finally realized why; disasters, even small ones, snap us out of our daily routine- they open our glazed over eyes and yank us out of our ruts, forcing us to look at things in a new way. Have you ever noticed that when something bad happens, people start to speak to each other again? Most of us go day to day barely talking to those we see around us, but when disaster strikes, suddenly everyone wants to communicate and help out. People start looking each other in the eyes, asking questions, coming alongside in solidarity with those who need it. Disasters break down social barriers, forcing us to see each other and acknowledge our shared humanity. We instinctively want to pool our resources and knowledge to help those affected, and we are brought together. It reminds us that we are all part of the same group- money, clothes, and politics aside, we are all human and vulnerable and need each other. Disaster can take us out of our sterile, busy lives and throw us into the dirty business of working together to solve a problem. I believe that this attitude of instinctive unity which arises out of necessity is what birthed some of the greatest changes in history. It doesn't have to be a sudden disaster- any situation in which normal protections are gone and survival becomes essential can bring about this attitude.

Disasters are still terrible things, but I am grateful that some good can come from our troubles, and that (despite some appearances to the contrary) we are still human beings who care for one another. Oliver Wendell Holmes said this:

       "If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle    
         it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say, meet it as a friend, for
         you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it."

Now, of course that applies differently to individual troubles than to massive disasters, but the point is that bad things are not all bad- they teach us something, about ourselves and about others. We learn that we have the capacity to be more and better and stronger, and more unified, than perhaps we ever knew.

Frantic (Stress Management)

It has suddenly dawned on me that my mind is in a nearly constant state of frantic stress, even when my body is at rest. This must stop, because it causes me to feel tense and tired all the time, is not beneficial to my health, and honestly probably does not actually increase my efficiency very much due to the increased mental strain. It also makes it more difficult to be loving or helpful to anyone else. Worry is not worth sacrificing well-being; I need to find a better coping mechanism. I think a good plan would be have a regular time-out, a peaceful time/place which will, over time, allow and teach my mind to be at ease. Hopefully this will lead to clearer thinking, increased health, and a better ability to be kind, productive, and peaceful. Solutions that come to mind include yoga, meditation, and some sort of outdoor activity such as hiking. The problem will be in the execution; the very mental activity which I seek to alleviate is what will attempt to stop me from relieving it. I always feel an obligation to be working, thinking, doing, worrying- it's almost obsessive, partnered with the guilt I feel when I pause. It's ironic, how I surround myself with things that remind me of this ideal yet seemingly unattainable lifestyle: calming photos of nature on every screen in my view, zen calendars, mediation books & quotes, etc etc., and yet every day slip deeper back into the clutches of stress. My waking peaceful moments are filled with worry, my dreams play out worst-case-scenarios, and I lay awake contemplating disturbing thoughts. Of course, things must be dealt with- work must be done, strategies considered, action taken. But the mind needs rest, and peace is an important part of work. Mental rest gives energy to the mind as sleep energizes the body, and restorative mental activities are like nutrition to a starving mind. Anyway, all that poetry-sounding stuff aside, I need to find a practical, do-able way to de-stress and center myself daily or weekly. Now, I just have to keep myself from stressing about how hard it might be to find a time/way to de-stress...it's a vicious cycle.

Why?

I don't understand why everything has to be so hard, so painful. So much suffering... when is it enough? Even when everything else is ok, the sharp pain in the depths of my heart won't let me forget that things will never be quite ok, and it's not going to end. The pain has no limit, no end in sight, for all of us. Everything we do, all the effort and heartache and struggle and fight- all it can do is make things just slightly better for a while, but nothing will ever be fixed. Every day the wounds are reopened, the pain refreshed, and our hearts reminded that the damage is permanent.

How could you do this to us, to those I love? I don't think I can ever forgive you...

My only hope is that maybe, someday, after everything is over and done, just maybe all the pain will be erased and the wounds healed and the years forgotten. Someday when it's all over...

Why?

Comfort & Joy

I'm tired. Tired of warm days and bright orange and never-ending events. As much as I absolutely love it all, I'm so ready for break- I can't wait to see my family, to rest and celebrate and just be together. The idea of having 11 days in a row with no alarm clock, no emails, no making lunches or fighting traffic, no stressing about not having time to work out... just rest and joy in having one more Christmas together. I'm ready for a break from the smog and thoughts and learning so many new things, and ready to go back to a place that has barely changed, but that looks so different to me because I have changed greatly. I am thankful for a comfort and joy greater than I ever expected, and I wish peace would find those who suffer this season. May your Christmas be merry and bright!

Broken

So many encounters with so many broken things- everywhere I meet people with broken lives. People gone utterly wrong by selfishness, anger, greed, hurt, and people treating each other in unthinkable ways. I don't understand, but I've realized that it's shockingly common.

The stark and bitter reality is that most people have been effected by cruelty, often from within their own family. This is the opposite of how it should be; families are meant to be built on love, support, and caring. Instead, some of the most dysfunctional relationships int he world are between families who somehow turn on each other. But the phenomenon of cruelty is not limited to families; the world is full of people who stand in roles that should embody leadership, compassion, wisdom, and consideration for others. Yet those who hold these great, heavy, responsibilities can somehow choose to not care, and they use their authority to be selfish, to create pain and harm and damage. Whatever the reason, people choose evil, and abandon their responsibility- spitting on the beautiful gift they received when they were given the ability to choose.

It is utterly incomprehensible to me that people with such power for good (parents, teachers, politicians, pastors, etc) would ever choose anything so obviously damaging to those they are called to take care of. Things like abuse, sex trafficking, abandoned/unloved children, disabled people who are denied the care they need, and even those who shirk their responsibility to the world by advancing harm in their businesses and organizations- how can this happen? I feel like a child sometimes, so completely confounded by a world gone so wrong. I know none of us are perfect; but making mistakes and having selfish moments is still a far cry from the outright and utter abuses and cruelty and heartlessness that abound today. I do not think this is a new phenomenon; any study of history will show that people have always had an incredible capacity for cruelty. Humans are amazingly powerful- capable of mind-boggling harm and also of powerful and renewing good. Yet so many have chosen harm...

Why are we so broken?

But in the midst of it we also find  a few amazing examples of love, compassion, and caring; leaders working for justice, and people showing incredible strength and sacrifice as they fight for goodness. Therein lies hope.  Surely we are meant to work together towards a better world- building instead of damaging, improving instead of destroying, and joining together instead of tearing apart. Isn't this the ultimate goal of humanity- perhaps the purpose for which we were created? We cannot demonstrate Gods' glory in division, selfishness, and harm. How can the evil be conquered; how can love be spread so that it can be made more powerful a force in this wicked world than cruelty? Can corruption be conquered?

I don't have the answers; all I know is that each of us must do everything in our power to show kindness, fight for justice, spread good, seek out wisdom, genuinely love others, and treat people as the incredibly valuable creatures that they- are we- are.

Graduation

"Life, we learn too late, is in the living- the tissue of every day and hour. " - Stephen Leacock

"Every man dies; not every man really lives" - William Wallace

"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; life live to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think. - Horace (Ancient Roman Poet)

"As long as you live, keep learning how to live" - Seneca

It's that time of year again, when thousands of people make the transition from high school to college, or from college to career. For some reason I've been thinking a lot about graduation speeches, and how cheesy they often are. So, naturally I started to wonder what I would say if I ever had the occasion to speak at a graduation. Of course it's a purely hypothetical exercise (since it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever speak at any event, much less a graduation), but it was fun to think about. This is just an outline of a few points of advice that I would offer to graduating students, and thought it might be fun to share them here. If you want to indulge me as I get on my soapbox and offer the wisdom I've gathered from my 23 long years, read on. 

My thoughts for grads:

Be proud that you have accomplished something great, but also remember this is by far not the greatest thing you will achieve. Treasure the fun you had, the friendships you made, and the learning you did- and then move on excitedly to the next stage in life. Don't be saddened by the loss of this part of life, or afraid to let go- more and better experiences are ahead! There are many, many more years and adventures to come, and this was but a small portion of your life. Looking back, memories of school will dim in importance to the multitude of new experiences and relationships you will have throughout life. 

Dreams are good and important; however, don't let your life become so focused on a dream that you forget to live your life. Someone once said "Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans". Time goes fast- enjoy life and make the most of every moment! 

Life will almost certainly be different than you planned. Learn to roll with it; yes, it's important to have goals and plans and dedication, but despite all that sometimes life will simply push you onto a different course. Don't let it upset you too much; instead, be glad for the unexpected adventure. Accept that change is inevitable and learn from the surprises along the way. It's ok to let go of some dreams and embrace different ones. But remember that you always have a choice- even when life throws you a curve, you can decide how to react and what to do next. Use these experiences to gather knowledge and strength to stay on the paths that are important to you. 

Be responsible and remember that every choice you make will effect your future, whether tomorrow or in several years. Maintain your health, finances, resume, reputation, and relationships in good standing as much as possible- it will be worth it. There's almost always a tomorrow, and rash decisions will come back to bite you sooner or later. 

Life can be very harsh. Sometimes we are a little 'protected' in high school and college, with a buffer of parents, teachers, etc which can insulate us from some parts of reality. Graduation can mean the loss of this buffer (either gradually or suddenly), and the world may at first appear cruel and unforgiving. Always remember to focus on the good and bright things (they are always somewhere to be found),  and work towards a better world in small ways in your everyday life, rather than feeling hopeless or defeated by evil.

Sometimes, wisdom can mean changing your mind. Don't condemn yourself (or others) when you realize how much people change over the years. Wisdom comes from growing and changing and learning continuously; avoid stagnancy, stay humble, and remember that no matter how confident or learned you are, you will never know it all. Remember that you didn't always have the knowledge you have know, and that you don't have the knowledge now that you will one day have. Show acceptance and mercy to others who see things differently or are in a different stage of the journey than you are. This will bring joy to your relationships and exercise your mind constantly. 

Speaking of relationships, they change too, and that's ok- but don't let them become cheap to you. Relationships are one of the most valuable things in life, and probably the most enduring. Friendships, family, romance , faith, and the interactions and overlapping of them will form your most precious memories. Faith is strengthened by a loving and supportive community. Friendships are made stronger by sharing your faith together. Romance is strengthened by supportive friendships and exercising your faith as a couple. Family bonds deepen when supported and guided by faith and caring friendships. 

Find joy in the small things. Treasure perfect moments, and in bad times remember that those good moments will always come again. Escape the craziness sometimes and center yourself, finding peace and remembering your values and your value. Let good memories bring you joy and find strength in love rather than hatred. Make a difference by choosing good in your daily life; small things matter as much as big things (and most big things are made up of lots of small ones anyway).

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." - Albert Einstein