Comfort & Joy

I'm tired. Tired of warm days and bright orange and never-ending events. As much as I absolutely love it all, I'm so ready for break- I can't wait to see my family, to rest and celebrate and just be together. The idea of having 11 days in a row with no alarm clock, no emails, no making lunches or fighting traffic, no stressing about not having time to work out... just rest and joy in having one more Christmas together. I'm ready for a break from the smog and thoughts and learning so many new things, and ready to go back to a place that has barely changed, but that looks so different to me because I have changed greatly. I am thankful for a comfort and joy greater than I ever expected, and I wish peace would find those who suffer this season. May your Christmas be merry and bright!

Broken

So many encounters with so many broken things- everywhere I meet people with broken lives. People gone utterly wrong by selfishness, anger, greed, hurt, and people treating each other in unthinkable ways. I don't understand, but I've realized that it's shockingly common.

The stark and bitter reality is that most people have been effected by cruelty, often from within their own family. This is the opposite of how it should be; families are meant to be built on love, support, and caring. Instead, some of the most dysfunctional relationships int he world are between families who somehow turn on each other. But the phenomenon of cruelty is not limited to families; the world is full of people who stand in roles that should embody leadership, compassion, wisdom, and consideration for others. Yet those who hold these great, heavy, responsibilities can somehow choose to not care, and they use their authority to be selfish, to create pain and harm and damage. Whatever the reason, people choose evil, and abandon their responsibility- spitting on the beautiful gift they received when they were given the ability to choose.

It is utterly incomprehensible to me that people with such power for good (parents, teachers, politicians, pastors, etc) would ever choose anything so obviously damaging to those they are called to take care of. Things like abuse, sex trafficking, abandoned/unloved children, disabled people who are denied the care they need, and even those who shirk their responsibility to the world by advancing harm in their businesses and organizations- how can this happen? I feel like a child sometimes, so completely confounded by a world gone so wrong. I know none of us are perfect; but making mistakes and having selfish moments is still a far cry from the outright and utter abuses and cruelty and heartlessness that abound today. I do not think this is a new phenomenon; any study of history will show that people have always had an incredible capacity for cruelty. Humans are amazingly powerful- capable of mind-boggling harm and also of powerful and renewing good. Yet so many have chosen harm...

Why are we so broken?

But in the midst of it we also find  a few amazing examples of love, compassion, and caring; leaders working for justice, and people showing incredible strength and sacrifice as they fight for goodness. Therein lies hope.  Surely we are meant to work together towards a better world- building instead of damaging, improving instead of destroying, and joining together instead of tearing apart. Isn't this the ultimate goal of humanity- perhaps the purpose for which we were created? We cannot demonstrate Gods' glory in division, selfishness, and harm. How can the evil be conquered; how can love be spread so that it can be made more powerful a force in this wicked world than cruelty? Can corruption be conquered?

I don't have the answers; all I know is that each of us must do everything in our power to show kindness, fight for justice, spread good, seek out wisdom, genuinely love others, and treat people as the incredibly valuable creatures that they- are we- are.

Graduation

"Life, we learn too late, is in the living- the tissue of every day and hour. " - Stephen Leacock

"Every man dies; not every man really lives" - William Wallace

"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; life live to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think. - Horace (Ancient Roman Poet)

"As long as you live, keep learning how to live" - Seneca

It's that time of year again, when thousands of people make the transition from high school to college, or from college to career. For some reason I've been thinking a lot about graduation speeches, and how cheesy they often are. So, naturally I started to wonder what I would say if I ever had the occasion to speak at a graduation. Of course it's a purely hypothetical exercise (since it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever speak at any event, much less a graduation), but it was fun to think about. This is just an outline of a few points of advice that I would offer to graduating students, and thought it might be fun to share them here. If you want to indulge me as I get on my soapbox and offer the wisdom I've gathered from my 23 long years, read on. 

My thoughts for grads:

Be proud that you have accomplished something great, but also remember this is by far not the greatest thing you will achieve. Treasure the fun you had, the friendships you made, and the learning you did- and then move on excitedly to the next stage in life. Don't be saddened by the loss of this part of life, or afraid to let go- more and better experiences are ahead! There are many, many more years and adventures to come, and this was but a small portion of your life. Looking back, memories of school will dim in importance to the multitude of new experiences and relationships you will have throughout life. 

Dreams are good and important; however, don't let your life become so focused on a dream that you forget to live your life. Someone once said "Life is what happens while we are busy making other plans". Time goes fast- enjoy life and make the most of every moment! 

Life will almost certainly be different than you planned. Learn to roll with it; yes, it's important to have goals and plans and dedication, but despite all that sometimes life will simply push you onto a different course. Don't let it upset you too much; instead, be glad for the unexpected adventure. Accept that change is inevitable and learn from the surprises along the way. It's ok to let go of some dreams and embrace different ones. But remember that you always have a choice- even when life throws you a curve, you can decide how to react and what to do next. Use these experiences to gather knowledge and strength to stay on the paths that are important to you. 

Be responsible and remember that every choice you make will effect your future, whether tomorrow or in several years. Maintain your health, finances, resume, reputation, and relationships in good standing as much as possible- it will be worth it. There's almost always a tomorrow, and rash decisions will come back to bite you sooner or later. 

Life can be very harsh. Sometimes we are a little 'protected' in high school and college, with a buffer of parents, teachers, etc which can insulate us from some parts of reality. Graduation can mean the loss of this buffer (either gradually or suddenly), and the world may at first appear cruel and unforgiving. Always remember to focus on the good and bright things (they are always somewhere to be found),  and work towards a better world in small ways in your everyday life, rather than feeling hopeless or defeated by evil.

Sometimes, wisdom can mean changing your mind. Don't condemn yourself (or others) when you realize how much people change over the years. Wisdom comes from growing and changing and learning continuously; avoid stagnancy, stay humble, and remember that no matter how confident or learned you are, you will never know it all. Remember that you didn't always have the knowledge you have know, and that you don't have the knowledge now that you will one day have. Show acceptance and mercy to others who see things differently or are in a different stage of the journey than you are. This will bring joy to your relationships and exercise your mind constantly. 

Speaking of relationships, they change too, and that's ok- but don't let them become cheap to you. Relationships are one of the most valuable things in life, and probably the most enduring. Friendships, family, romance , faith, and the interactions and overlapping of them will form your most precious memories. Faith is strengthened by a loving and supportive community. Friendships are made stronger by sharing your faith together. Romance is strengthened by supportive friendships and exercising your faith as a couple. Family bonds deepen when supported and guided by faith and caring friendships. 

Find joy in the small things. Treasure perfect moments, and in bad times remember that those good moments will always come again. Escape the craziness sometimes and center yourself, finding peace and remembering your values and your value. Let good memories bring you joy and find strength in love rather than hatred. Make a difference by choosing good in your daily life; small things matter as much as big things (and most big things are made up of lots of small ones anyway).

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." - Albert Einstein

A New Perspective

I went to church today. I haven't visited a church in a long time, for many reasons that I won't get in to right now.   This church was a different experience, and it was refreshing. Talking afterwards, I realized something about myself that made me able to see from a new perspective.

In general, when I hear hear a sermon/study/lesson/etc, there are certain things that bother me immediately which I get stuck thinking about- most often what is being inferred about the nature of God, and whether or not the story/idea is realistic. For instance, today we read the book of Jonah and discussed the story. My first thoughts were cynical; why would a loving God threaten all the sailor's lives with a storm when only Jonah had sinned? Why would God punish Jonah for disobeying anyway- what kind of free will is that? Besides, plants don't grow tall enough to shade someone in a few hours, and people cannot survive living inside of sea creatures, and taking this particular story literally (as most Christians do) bothers me because of these types of issues.

Anyway, these types of thoughts usually upset me so much that I gain nothing from the study other than frustration. And they are important issues that need to be thought about and discussed, at the appropriate time and place. But obviously these types of side-tracking, huge theological issues cannot really be discussed in any helpful way by a group trying to do a 1-hour or less study, and to some extent stories need to be taken at face value just to make an orderly discussion possible. So I asked myself, "If I  temporarily suspend my disbelief and questions regarding big issues, and for now just focus on the point of the story, what would I learn?". This was a revelation that allowed me think in a more helpful and clear way. In this moment, what can I learn by focusing on the point and waiting to think about the other side issues?

With the story of Jonah, what can I learn with this new perspective? Initially it seems to be a story about disobedience, the moral being that it's not a good idea to disobey God. But upon further consideration, I don't think that's really it, as God showed Jonah mercy and the story did not point to Jonah's horrible punishment or anything like that. Instead, it seems to be a story about God's love and mercy. Jonah finally gave in, thinking he would go to Ninevah and preach pointlessly just to watch the rebellious people reject his message and God's judgement come down on them. Instead, these people that he knew as evil and possibly cruel were shown mercy, and he was devastated and angry with God. And God basically says to him that it's not Jonah's say who gets mercy and who doesn't- that God has the right to show mercy to whomever, however he chooses.

In this story, we see that God's mercy and compassion are far greater than our own, apparently sometimes even beyond our comprehension. That seems to be the lesson of Jonah, as far as I can tell, which is interesting and worth considering. I hope to take this new perspective with me into future situations, so that I can be more constructive instead of cynical with my learning.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days when the world seems foreign, and no place feels like home. It's not really a sad feeling- just one of isolation or difference, as if I am looking out at the world through a little window from a quiet place inside myself where no one else is. From that perspective, everything seems rather strange and overwhelming. It's as if I don't belong anywhere- nothing is familiar and it seems like I have to use all of my energy to act natural, as if I understand all of the craziness around me.

But on days like this I'm inwardly tired, and I'd rather just observe everything calmly as it rushes around me in its noisy, frantic confusion. Sure, it's all very interesting and not necessarily objectionable, but sometimes I think it's ok to step back and not be a part of it. Sometimes I am just my very small self in my little world- I look out and acknowledge that I live and belong inside here, while out there I am only an alien pretending to comprehend it all. In my dreams, my "world" takes on a vividly visual nature, but when I'm awake it is reduced to a quiet feeling, like a persistent tugging at my consciousness.

The great big confusing 'real' world is an assault on my senses, and I want to go home where I am comfortable and safe. But home doesn't exist, because everywhere I go I am the newcomer, the foreigner. It's as if I was born on the wrong planet, and I left home so long ago that I can't remember where it is or how to find my way back. Actually, I think a place can only remain 'home' if you are there- so the fact that I haven't been there for so long means that it wouldn't even be home anymore, even if I did manage get there somehow.

I suppose that life is destined to be a wandering journey as I try to make sense of it all and figure out what the heck I'm doing here. I guess we're all born into that same situation, really, but each person seems to adjust differently for whatever reasons (be it nature, nurture, a combination of the two, or something else entirely). At least I am blessed enough to return to my dreams each night in a blissful respite from the exhausting and confusing real world.

Honestly, I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone else. I suppose my mind is odd and my perspective too, so these silly little thoughts and feelings probably seem muddled and meaningless to anyone reading them. But this is the mind I live in, and I thought it was worth explaining this part of it, at least once.

A Disturbing Trend

Men best show their character in trifles, where they are not on their guard. It is in the simplest habits, that we often see the boundless egotism which pays no regard to the feelings of others and denies nothing to itself.
-Arthur Schopenhauer


Lately, I've noticed something disturbing about people's behavior towards each other in public: a pattern of dehumanizing each other without a second thought. Perhaps people are merely oblivious to the feelings of others, or choosing to ignore them in favor of their own concerns. I suppose we get so absorbed in our own purposes and plans that it becomes easy to forget the feelings of others. Regardless of the reason, there is no good excuse. Treating the people we interact with as inhuman is not only hurtful and cruel, but a very dangerous attitude that leads to extreme selfishness and a cheapening of human life.

I don't know why it's difficult for us to humanize the waitress at the restaurant, the driver on the freeway, or the support guy on the phone in India. I think we take our negative feelings and offense at situations and direct all of that anger towards another human, undeserving of our wrath but an easy target. How hard would it be for us to just take an extra second and try to imagine what it feels like to be the other person?

My slow checker at Target is probably frustrated with her manager and her low wages, exhausted from a long shift in a stuffy and hot store with loud music, and sick of dealing with customers who can't figure out the credit card machine. Yes, her job is to check me out efficiently- but we all are imperfect and it is unreasonable and selfish for me to expect her to be somehow un-influenced by her own daily frustrations. How about that driver who just cut me off on the freeway? My first instinct is to yell, honk, and otherwise vent my anger at his rudeness. But maybe he's late for work, or on the way to the hospital to see a loved one, or upset because he just lost his job or had an argument with his wife. We've probably all done rude or unthoughtful things while driving for the sake of getting somewhere a few seconds faster. The tech-support guy from India on the other line is just a minimum-wage worker, working the night shift helping angry customers in the US to try and support his family. He doesn't make the policies of his company, and he doesn't deserve the blame for my troubles.

A kind attitude and some mercy towards a fellow human being can go a long way. I'm definitely not perfect in this way- often I get very upset with what I perceive to be the stupidity, rudeness, or slowness of another person. But I believe that showing compassion and love towards each other is something that could make a huge difference in the world- just a moment of love can bring joy into someone's day. We give money to organizations, pray for  those suffering, and listen to or read teachings about how to follow God- yet true love is something that is shown much more in our everyday interactions. I think we're meant to show love just as much in small moments as in big ones. If everyone was kind and compassionate towards each other, think how much happier and more considerate we would be as a society! This doesn't mean letting others walk all over you- we can still say 'No' or firmly disagree with others without de-humanizing them.

Maybe thinking of each other as a little more human, a little more like ourselves, would lessen the amount of violence and hurt that happens on a daily basis. My goal is to consider the feelings of those I interact with, and try to  treat them as I would like to be treated- with love, compassion, and understanding. Maybe I'll never do anything 'big' to change the world- but if I can spread love and change a few people's days (or even lives) for the better, than I am fulfilling my purpose. We should try to spread love instead of anger.

Good Enough

Having suddenly found myself in a situation where I could be content, I face a dilemma. I feel that I have the ability to be happy living this life; the simplicity and honesty of my new job, and tutoring on the side. At first the situation seems ideal (if it could be affordable financially); however, I never seem content to just let things be as they are on the surface. Immediately after the moment when I realized that I could be content living like this long-term, a strong thought insisted on pushing to the front of my mind: Is this good enough?

All of my life, I've planned to do 'big' things. I want to make a difference in the world. Be it globe-hopping as a missionary, adopting a poor child from Africa, fighting for justice and freedom in politics, or becoming a brilliant biologist searching for a cure to cancer or autism, I always have assumed that my life was meant to accomplish something important- something BIG. Why else would I exist? If I was just going to piddle away my days with useless and monotonous activities, what would be the point? As easy as it might be to just live a 'normal' life, I couldn't see myself doing that because I've always felt an insatiable push to work towards something more. Maybe it's from being told I was special by a few people as a child, or maybe I suffer from delusions of grandeur, but either way I've never been content with my life. I've always felt an absolutely insistent obligation to 'be' something more. What, exactly, I've never been sure of, and thus have ensued many, many hours and days of frustrated soul-searching.

But then there come these moments when, suddenly, my soul takes a breath and says "We could just rest here, you know. You could just live, day by day, being happy and doing good in small amounts- working a normal job, having normal friends, living life in the normal progression like most people do." And a part of me sighs, and says "Yes, that would be nice; rather lovely and peaceful, actually." But another part of me cries out, "You can't do that! You can't just abandon your entire life purpose just so you can rest and be lazy and live a 'normal' life! You weren't born to rest and relax, you were born to do something great and that means struggle and sacrifice and always striving for something MORE."

So the question remains: How much good is enough? I can certainly do good regardless of my path in life; daily interactions, relationships, charities, volunteering, spreading awareness, helping friends & family- there are many opportunities to spread love within my circle, and I will always try to do at least that much. But, is that enough??? If I never did anything BIG; never even tried- would my life still be worth something? Would I be a lazy, status-quo person? Would the small goods add up to be enough for my life to be satisfactory at the end? How could I justify that kind of attitude, just living my life as it came? I suppose there is always the possibility of something big just coming along in my path, but he chances of that seem slim, and the question of the worth-whileness of my own life is one of the biggest ones I will ever have to answer.

So I ponder these things as I think about the future; as I enjoy my long-awaited good working days and new experiences, as I contemplate having children one day, as I wonder how to properly have relationships, and as I struggle with my other inner battles and thoughts. What is the most good I can do; and am I obligated to accomplish that exact amount? How is good measured, anyway? Ultimately, when it comes down to it, is my life good enough?